Diary….

 I thought I might do a diary entry each day or two as a blog post.  I forget what I have done and how I am feeling, so putting a little bit on here each day might be the go.  I am pretty sure it has everything to do with being 50 and nothing to do with being busy as to the reason I can’t remember what I have done! I will then publish it each couple of days………  I know…..brilliant!! 🙂  If I keep it up that is……………………………..

Yesterday (Thurs 2nd) was a terrible, terrible day between me and my guts and head.  I just could not stop eating.  I ate what they refer to in bandland as “slider” foods.  You know, I have had the band nearly two years now and I am only just starting to hear some of these terms and know what they mean and “getting” some of the stuff I hear others talk about!  Well, slider food is just what it sounds like really…..food that slides down through the band easilly without having to chew it to smithereens first…..  nice and effortless and mindless and 99 out of a 100 times it is FATTENING!!!!  I was home alone yesterday and last night….  but I wasn’t bored.  I always have plenty to do.  Maybe if Ricky had been here I wouldn’t have eaten what I did because I would have been embarrassed.  I can’t explain it…….I just have to eat.  Until I feel uncomfortably full.  Even then I still look around and see what else there is I could scoff.  Why, why, why??????? 

Because I keep a “safe” house…..most of the time, there wasn’t much “shit” to eat.  But still I gave it my best shot 🙂  I am trying to remember what I ate…..  when I sit and try and remember the next day I feel so ashamed….and a little bamboozled to be honest.  I don’t understand what comes over me and why I feel I have to eat so much?  It’s like I become obsessed.  I need that full feeling?  I need a sugar rush?  I need a dairy rush? … stuffed if I bloody know!!  One thing I know….I cannot have cream in the house.  It takes over my thoughts until I know it is gone.  Go figure……….     I brought a container of thickened cream because I had intentions of making a lemon slice that required this as an ingredient.  I never got to make the slice because I plastered a third of the container on my morning porridge….with sugar!  Then I had another bowl for morning tea…..same.  Then I had another bowl for lunch…..same.  And….later last night I had another bowl !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yesterday was all about the cream.  Anaylise that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  🙂

Actually don’t….I wouldn’t want you doing your heads in!  I am quite happy working through my “issues” solo.  After all….I have done so up until this point.  Today I am in “regret” mode.  Or “why” mode…..or just plain…” well fark me …wipe that day!”mode.  I’m leaning towards the last one 🙂  So today is a new day.  What else can you bloody do really?  Oh, there was much more inbetween my porridge and cream fest.  Oh yes…. much more.  Without the band …  of course I would have still given it my best shot and just ate more solid shit!!!  With the band…… you can still go down the shitter with your slider foods……..    you are still going to have your “head spin” days.  No getting around it.  The people that don’t lose any weight after having a band and continue to put weight on really must have huge “head issues”.  I don’t think mine are that bad…….  I just need to find some discipline from somewhere on the odd occassion.  And not keep CREAM in the house!!! 

Today I have had a fruit smoothie on my return from the dog walk.  I just had a glass of water and a coffee.  I am about to have another coffee and I intend to have a modifast shake for my lunch.  I will be doing an extra walk later this evening to try and counter the damage I did yesterday…..  and a few other days lately, just quietly .  Time I got myself back on track!!  I have been a ditzy tart lately.  I have been lucky enough to be in a position where I could have a lapband to give me a hand with my weight issues……  time I appreciated that fact and start working with it not against it.

My next big hurdle comes at 1pm today…………………………   BLOODY WORK IN A LOLLIE SHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am home from work.  I did OK.  I got busy when I arrived at 11am.  Not with customers….but I made myself busy.  I took some photos for my boss ready to email him and bagged up some bits and pieces.  One piece of fudge went into my mouth before I thought about it!!  I had my Optifast.  I had also brought an Optifast bar with me.  I chopped that up into little pieces and just had a little piece of that every now and then throughout the afternoon……that seemed to work.  I also sat a bottle of water on the bench and forced myself to drink that over the course of the afternoon. I am pretty happy with how I went.  I think I have put the brakes on myself before I got too carried away……..  I might send this photo to the boss…..

Bored much??!! lol lol

 Ricky returned from Burnie with a small Kentucky Fried chicken popcorn for me to have for my tea…….bless him!!  I had asked him to bring it back if he was going to get himself something….but I had forgotten that request.  Anyhooooo….I had probably 4 pieces and it hurt like hell…..the “chipmunk cheeks” thing started and I spewed it up.  Hmmmmm…still feel hungry.  Now this next bit I am very, very proud of.  You see, I forgot to mention that there was still about a third of the cream left in the fridge!!  🙂  I can’t begin to tell you the mental tussel I just had with myself.  Cereal smothered with cream for tea….just to use it up you understand?  Once it is gone I wont get anymore…blah, blah….head talk, head talk.  You know what I just did???  I got up….went to the fridge….got the cream out….and………………………  tipped it down the farking sink!!!!!!   Thank you….thank you very much “:)  🙂

I am sitting here at my computer feeling very full and satisfied having half completed a smoothie with raspberries, banana, soy milk and yoghurt. Ricky has gone off to fight crime and corruption and I might have an early night and read a book in bed before I go to sleep 🙂

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5 thoughts on “Diary….

  1. The distilled wisdom of a mood-swinging, menopausal old cow who keeps failing but prefers to be under no illusions about herself: two factors determine how many sliders I have.

    (1) How sad or stable-OK I feel, (2) How busy I am, not food related. The worst combination is if I’m sad/unhappy and haven’t got enough to do, the best is feeling OK about myself and very busy. Anything except the best and sliders ‘appear’, whether or not the house is ‘safe’ (good term!).

    You had a good day when you were very busy at the sweet shop. Could this not be a factor? Maybe being busy at home is no good because there was no ‘supervision’ ?

    I do love that picture of you – composition, colour, humour, everything!

    So glad you’re writing again.

    Caroline

  2. I think it’s completely unreasonable that cookies, crackers and candy all pass the band like there’s nothing there and vegetables get stuck. Shouldn’t it be just the opposite? Shouldn’t there be some kind of negative reinforcement (other than my scale) to stop me from eating slider foods?

    I so relate to this. I’m on a 30 day no sugar, no crackers, no breads, etc., plan to try to get back in the weight loss mode. On the plus side, I have not really gained a bunch of weight while on the stuff-junk-in-my-mouth diet.

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