I feel like a good cry and a………..

bloody good slap around the face I think!!  I feel really down in the dumps today and totally down on myself for being such a failure!!  I really wanted to be the poster girl for lapbanding, you know?  Instead I AM STILL SITTING on 94kgs.  I know what to do to change this…..  or at least I think I do.  The key word in the last bit is SITTING.  I have been doing too much of this!!  I need to get walking again…..TWICE a day.  And go like the clappers…. put some effort into it. I am still classed as morbibly obese….my BMI has dropped…..but I am still bloody morbibly obese!!!!!!  Farking hell that stinks!!!!!  Why can’t I at least get to the bit where I am just overweight?????  I never thought I would be happy with THAT ranking!!

I thought I would stop obsessively thinking about what I eat and what I weigh and all that once I was lapbanded.   It doesn’t stop……. your “head talk” doesn’t stop.  I suppose everyone that has been lapbanded thinks about what goes in their mouths now more than before…..I mean, you have to or you can end up in big trouble if you try to stuff too much of the wrong things in the “new, smaller, improved” pouch of yours!!  What gets me is that I get grumpy and a bit angry somedays when something I ate hurts or it ends up in the loo.  Mostly it is my fault and that makes me bloody cranky!!!  Why didn’t I chew properly…..why did I have to try and eat hot chips again……why does the shit food go down so easily?????  You get the picture……

Today I had two Weetbix multi grain with skim milk for breakfast……  no problem.  ThenI HAD to go and have three of those Malto Milk biscuits with morning coffee….no problem.  Mushrooms pan fried in a little butter for lunch….. hurt!!! So I probably ate about the grand total of three small mushrooms. So then what do I go and do????  I just had three more of those bloody biscuits with my afternoon coffee because I feel peckish!!!  This is what I have been doing lately and I need to stop!  I have walked this morning with the dogs….but only a short one and not too strenuous by any stretch of the imagination.  I need to now find the motivation to get my arse out the door later this afternoon and walk on my own and stride it out a bit.  It is raining and when it is like this it is hard to muster up the motivation.  But today I must start my “fresh start”  ….  I have been stalling long enough!!  I will walk in the rain and then I can come home and jump straight in the shower if I get wet and cold….. absolutely nothing stopping me!!

I have silverside in the slow cooker for tea tonight and have done a pot of vegetables ready to  go with that.  I always eat off my little plate that is about the size of a bread and butter plate.  I also use a small cake fork or a mini splade to eat with to help slow myself down.  I will try not to eat the mashed potato first and will chew and chew the silverside and get some of that down first.

I know damn well once I break this stalemate and start getting a bit off again then I will come right and my mood will lift along with that.  Don’t get me wrong….. I am generally happy…..just disappointed with myself for stuffing around for so long and not working with the band to do the best I can.  I feel better once again from just writing it down! 

Oh……I forgot….. the pain in my left side is from a hernia!!  It is easilly fixed and I will make an appointment with Dr Dreamy for sometime in the near future to have it repaired.  It is just an easy day surgery…. no biggie.  I was unpacking boxes at work which I think may have aggravated it because it seems to have settled back down again now.  I might leave it until after my June holiday. I am just glad it wasn’t the port or anything band related.

I will leave this post here…….  I have some more news but I will put that in a new post.  It has to do with Patty 🙂  Just wanted to type out my sad/bad/angry/frustrated mood!!!!  I realise that only me can help me though…..


6 thoughts on “I feel like a good cry and a………..

  1. Aww, darl. We’ve all had times like this and yeah, I know that doesn’t help one iota. This is not US talking, it’s you! And it sucks being in the place right now.

    You are by nature a gregarious and happy person. Maybe the rain has sapped your energy? I do know most of this bloody weight loss caper comes from being mentally (no not stable, we both lost that toss of the coin lol).. focused. That’s the word. Focused. Can you find that focus again? Is it still hanging around? Come visit me. I will kick you up the pants and we will plan how to get Nola started again. You were there once, you can do it again. Failing that… drill (and again, figuratively not literally) Dr Dreamy to get you back in that space again. You can do it!!!!!!!

  2. {{{BIG HUGS}}} girl. You are right, you know what you have to do.. and how to go about doing it… SO NOW YOU JUST HAVE TO BLOODY WELL DO IT eh?
    What prompted me to pull my finger out again was being freaking miserable ALL THE TIME about something I was doing to myself!
    We are idiots.
    We know that we will feel so much better and happier about ourselves if we do the right thing and eat less and exercise more! Pfffft.

    Get rid of the biscuits in the house if you can’t resist them!
    You can do it mate.

  3. The whole weight loss journey is filled with such frustration and setbacks, but that’s just part of the journey. You are right that coming back – breaking through the stalemate – is the hardest part. Once you’ve done that you’ll gain momentum as you know.

    I hate exercise but this week I started paying attention to trying to get some again. Nothing big – just wearing my pedometer and trying to do at least 5,000 steps per day as a beginning.

    I’m rooting for you Nola!!!

    P.S. Can’t wait for an update on Patty. LOL!!!

  4. Hi Nola,

    Im having the same problem, i am eating biscuits and chocky as they will go down with no problems where as healthy food just wont go down. I have put on a couple of kgs :(, know i need to see Tony get get some fill out as i was losing around 1kg a week till last fill about 10 weeks ago. I have been putting off seeing Tony as he wasn’t keen on giving me a fill and i begged him so i don’t want him to say i told you so which is silly i know so here i am chucking everything health because of pride. Hang in there. Why is the band sooo bloody hard work i dont remember Tony saying anything about this is what it’s like to live with the band.

  5. Without having met you, one thing I do know about you Nola is that you’re strong and that you’ll come through this. You hate this weakness in yourself – you who are strong in every other area, and knows how to call a spade a bloody shovel. Whether we’re at the age to be governed by hormones or not, we still have mood swings, and probably even as I write this, your rant is out of date and you’re now feeling more positive. I hope so. Update please? Pattynews please?

  6. Ah my friend. I think everyone above me said it better. There are good days and bad days, weeks, years, etc. We just have to slug our way through the muck and mire that holds us down. I know it will happen for you, so don’t worry. Just take it one day at a time. I hate exercise too. I’ve now gotten to the point where I despise the first 10 minutes…if I can get past that, I can enjoy the end. I love walking in the rain, though. There’s something about rain and the smell of the earth, the sense of renewal that I get when I’m walking in it. I feel like a kid, and I open my mouth to taste the drops. I think of one of my fave old-time movies “Singing in the Rain” and I try and do my best Gene Kelly impersonation…stomping through the puddles. Then I come home and, like you, jump in the shower and get warm. You can do it my friend.

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