bloody good slap around the face I think!! I feel really down in the dumps today and totally down on myself for being such a failure!! I really wanted to be the poster girl for lapbanding, you know? Instead I AM STILL SITTING on 94kgs. I know what to do to change this….. or at least I think I do. The key word in the last bit is SITTING. I have been doing too much of this!! I need to get walking again…..TWICE a day. And go like the clappers…. put some effort into it. I am still classed as morbibly obese….my BMI has dropped…..but I am still bloody morbibly obese!!!!!! Farking hell that stinks!!!!! Why can’t I at least get to the bit where I am just overweight????? I never thought I would be happy with THAT ranking!!
I thought I would stop obsessively thinking about what I eat and what I weigh and all that once I was lapbanded. It doesn’t stop……. your “head talk” doesn’t stop. I suppose everyone that has been lapbanded thinks about what goes in their mouths now more than before…..I mean, you have to or you can end up in big trouble if you try to stuff too much of the wrong things in the “new, smaller, improved” pouch of yours!! What gets me is that I get grumpy and a bit angry somedays when something I ate hurts or it ends up in the loo. Mostly it is my fault and that makes me bloody cranky!!! Why didn’t I chew properly…..why did I have to try and eat hot chips again……why does the shit food go down so easily????? You get the picture……
Today I had two Weetbix multi grain with skim milk for breakfast…… no problem. ThenI HAD to go and have three of those Malto Milk biscuits with morning coffee….no problem. Mushrooms pan fried in a little butter for lunch….. hurt!!! So I probably ate about the grand total of three small mushrooms. So then what do I go and do???? I just had three more of those bloody biscuits with my afternoon coffee because I feel peckish!!! This is what I have been doing lately and I need to stop! I have walked this morning with the dogs….but only a short one and not too strenuous by any stretch of the imagination. I need to now find the motivation to get my arse out the door later this afternoon and walk on my own and stride it out a bit. It is raining and when it is like this it is hard to muster up the motivation. But today I must start my “fresh start” …. I have been stalling long enough!! I will walk in the rain and then I can come home and jump straight in the shower if I get wet and cold….. absolutely nothing stopping me!!
I have silverside in the slow cooker for tea tonight and have done a pot of vegetables ready to go with that. I always eat off my little plate that is about the size of a bread and butter plate. I also use a small cake fork or a mini splade to eat with to help slow myself down. I will try not to eat the mashed potato first and will chew and chew the silverside and get some of that down first.
I know damn well once I break this stalemate and start getting a bit off again then I will come right and my mood will lift along with that. Don’t get me wrong….. I am generally happy…..just disappointed with myself for stuffing around for so long and not working with the band to do the best I can. I feel better once again from just writing it down!
Oh……I forgot….. the pain in my left side is from a hernia!! It is easilly fixed and I will make an appointment with Dr Dreamy for sometime in the near future to have it repaired. It is just an easy day surgery…. no biggie. I was unpacking boxes at work which I think may have aggravated it because it seems to have settled back down again now. I might leave it until after my June holiday. I am just glad it wasn’t the port or anything band related.
I will leave this post here……. I have some more news but I will put that in a new post. It has to do with Patty 🙂 Just wanted to type out my sad/bad/angry/frustrated mood!!!! I realise that only me can help me though…..