Desperate times…..desperate measures….

OK…listen up people….it is about to become all about ME!!!!!   Forgive me Father, bless my arse, God bless my little cotton socks, slap me silly….whatever!!!!  We DO tend to blog when all is light and roses, yes???  Well no farking more of that fluffy shit…..I need to blog the BAD STUFF!!!  One thing I have learnt is that writing, for me, about “stuff” works a treat.  Sadly for you….this will only be a treat for me…. your eyes will probably start bleeding after a week or two of my ranting 🙂

It will probably be like a car crash though…..you won’t be able to look away!!  he he I am not happy with my progress thus far.  And don’t start that “but you have done such a great job.  blah blah blah”  fark off!!!  I should have lost TWICE what I have by now if I had been focusing and not being such a SLACK TART!!!  I have become too complacent and comfortable again.  I need a good shake-up.  A slap around the face!  My jaw wired………  you get the picture. 

I can’t begin to even put into words, for fear I may disappear up my own arse from embarrassment, what I ate at work yesterday.  You know….that evil, evil shop I attend from time to time full of farking lollies and other sweet treats including a soft serve ice-cream machine. I am not going to go into that right at this moment…maybe later when I recover some self esteem? 

Why do I feel embarrassed when someone asks me when I had my lapband and how much have I lost so far??  I just feel like a failure….I KNOW I’m not…..so don’t start with the blah, blah, blah comments 🙂  It’s just that it has been over a year now and, as of this morning, I weigh 94kgs.   I was down to 92kgs….but the last two weeks have seen me doing the “car crash” thing! I was 115kgs at my biggest.  I was 110kgs when I was wheeled into theatre for the band.  I am not disappointed with having the actual band.  More that I am disappointed that I haven’t made the most of the opportunity to knock a couple of super models off their perches and lose more in this space of time 🙂  So, all in all that is a total loss of 21kgs.  I AM happy that I have lost that and that I am not still 115kgs!!  I think because I have been feeling so comfortable at this weight that I have dropped the ball….lost my focus somewhat.  I feel comfortable in clothes at the moment….not squirmy and wanting to pull my top down all the time or pull the back of my bra down over the back fat roll……that sort of thing 🙂  I feel quite good.  But I KNOW I will feel even farking better with another 20kgs off.  I never really set a goal weight…. I just couldn’t wrap my head around anything under a 100kgs at the time.  Secretly I thought 80kgs may be possible. 

Anyhooooooo….. I promised a warts and all account of this lapband “journey” and my God, ya gunna get one!!!  The only weight I know for sure that I USED to be was 86kgs in 1986.  That is when I joined the police.  I was still considered by them to be too fat…but they let me in because I had shown determination and fortitude by losing 20kgs to “cut the mustard” for the recruitment requirements.  I had been on the good old Modifast and lost that amount very quickly.  So….I think I will set my new goal for 86kgs and then reassess. 

But first I need to pull this runaway train up a bit.  So, today I have decided to start Modifast again just for a while and not too strictly….. just as another tool for a week or so.  I will try and do Modifast through the day and then just a “normal” whatever everyone else is having evening meal.    We go to Fiji for a 10 day holiday on the 8th June and that gives me two months to maybe get under 90kgs….maybe a bit more.  I think that is achievable.  My first goal is under 90kgs by June!!  There…….I’ve farking put it on paper now….no backing out 🙂  Stay on my arse biartches !!!!  🙂

We are travelling up to our families tomorrow and spending until Sunday with them.  No reason I can’t take the Modifast with me and stay on track. No reason at all………  it is the mindless snacking I need to get a handle on. 

I am not sure how much I have in my band.  I just lost track for some reason!!  Dr Dreamy smiles at me and I lose all sense of place and time.  He could be telling me I need to have a pipe cleaner shoved up my bum and pulled out my nose and I would be agreeing and smiling and asking if he would be doing the operation!!! lol  lol  I am getting low left side pain at the moment…. to the point it is keeping me awake.  I have a feeling it may be related to my port?  Anyway, I will try and get an appointment with Dr Dreamy before we go to Fiji.  I have nothing else in there to blame really!!!!  No ovaries, no uterus…..plenty of room for let!!!!  

So, I am going to turn into Chris H. and blog quite often from now on!!  Also, Chris wanted to know the ins and outs of a ducks arsehole anyway as far as being a bandit goes……hold onto ya hat Chris!!!!  This post is long enough for now…. so I am going to clean the house ready for our departure tomorrow while Ricky is at work and not annoying me!!

Of course…… I will also keep you informed of other exciting things that happen……  like Patty 🙂

Patty’s front door is to the right of the front porch here.  She enters through a hole in the corner.  Her take-a-way apple tree is on the left of the driveway….the small tree.  That big palm tree thingy is her “ladder” that she uses to get down off the carport roof and along the fence to the take-a-way. 

Close up of Patty’s Porch and entrance way!! I mean, really!!!!  Now we look at it …. it screams “Possum Penthouse”  …  yes, well, hindsight is a wonderful thing 🙂

Operation……Patty the Possum!!

OK…..I haven’t blogged lately because I haven’t really had anything to tell you about…..until now……………………………

You will recall that we had a nasty “incident” with a fat arsed possum attempting to break-in through the dog door not that long ago?  Of course you do!!!  Well, all has been quiet on the possum front since then, or so we thought.  When we first moved into this house we noticed a board missing from one of the eaves and commented that it would probably make a nice possum house……. then promptly forgot about it.  Even after the fat arsed possum incident we had forgotten about the inviting hole in the eaves. Well, the last couple of days Scarlett (the Jack Russell) has been doing the old “nose in the air and act like a little bush pig” trick out on the steps in the carport again.  A sure indicator that maybe, just maybe, the fat arsed possum was “around these parts” again……(I said that with a wild west accent…..ya know??? 🙂 )

Anyhoooooooo……..  last night we heard what we thought was a herd of elephants on the carport roof.  It wasn’t a herd of elephants, so therefore it was irrelephant!!!  wahahahaaaaaa  🙂  There is a clear strip of laser light roof sheeting that allows light into the carport and Ricky shone the torch onto that……. my God!!!!!  There it was…….a very, very familiar FAT ARSE!!!!  Then two beady little eyes gave us the once over and off it went!  Then today we heard Patty getting “settled” for the day in the “roof apartment”.  Apparently, she had seen the Vacancy shingle hanging on that very inviting hole in the eaves and made herself right at home. 

You notice we have named this fat arsed possum Patty?  Blame Ricky……  he started that.   He called her Possum Pattie of the food variety whilst we were on our POLICE SURVELLIANCE mission in the driveway!!  He meant it in food terms….ie: Pattie not Patty.  I changed it to Patty when I saw her cute little nose and eyes peeking at me from her new porch!!  But I digress…..and have skipped ahead somewhat. 

Today, after hearing the noise she made “settling in” for the day we decided to go around to Parks and Wildlife office and seek advice on possum removal and traps etc.  They didn’t have a trap available until tomorrow….they will drop it off to us.  I have since read up on possum trapping and all the rest of it.  They do not relocate too well and survival rate is low.  We need to learn to live with “urban” possums and build them a nest box in a tree near to the home you want to remove them from blah, blah, blah.  They like apples…..try putting quarter of an apple in the cage trap.  Well, we have a whole bloody apple tree in our drive approximately three meters as the crow flies from Patty’s front door!!!!!  She has moved in next to her own bloody take-a-way!!!  Go Patty, go Patty……..no wonder you have a fat arse girl !!!!  So, anyway……….  we needed to know if there is just Patty up there or if she is harbouring a Mr Patty.  Which brings me back to our highly organised survelliance operative……  code named “Operation Roadkill”.

Sooooooooooo…..  possums come out just on dark apparently.  We grab a torch each and sneak up the driveway to see if we can see Patty.  I shone my torch up  and …..  there she is!!!!  Peering out of her front porch!!  My torch light startled her a bit….but damn she looked so cute with her little pink ears and little pink nose and her little possum hands 🙂  I say to Ricky, “Go get the keys to the Police car and we will conduct Operation Roadkill from the comfort of the front seats!!” Great idea!!!!!  So here we are sitting in the Police car in our driveway slumped down in our seats whispering to each other in case Patty heard us!!!    lol  lol   It was totally on!!!!  All systems go!!!!  I hope to God the neighbours weren’t watching us.  That is when Ricky came up with the name of Patty……..your mind works overtime when you are on a mission like that. I mean, I was starting to cramp up in my left leg, but you can’t let things like that distract you when you are on such an important mission! 

Then Ricky says, “Shit!!” I’m like……”What?! What?!!!”

Ricky says……. “Flo has just walked up the front steps and is looking up at Patty.  She is going to compromise our whole operation!!”

Well, that did it……I nearly wet my bloody pants laughing.  Flo is our cat by the way!!  I reminded Ricky that the survival rate for relocated possums is very poor.  He suggested we could probably pack her a travel bag full of the apples and she could use them to bribe the other tough bush possums and maybe make some friends.  I can’t cope……..  I couldn’t even laugh “softly” anymore.  I had a total mental picture going on of Patty and her travel bag full of apples being dropped off down the road  waving and us wishing her luck !!!!  waahahahaaaaaaaa 🙂

Then out she comes and up onto the roof!  Awwwwww  she is kinda cute in a pesky kind of way.  Doesn’t appear to be a Mr Patty.  Well, she isn’t hurting anything really.  And if we keep the light turned on all night in the carport that will deter her from coming in there where she is not wanted.  The dogs can’t get to her if she sticks to the roof and the apple tree out the front.  Well, maybe we will just wait and see what happens.  If she starts to make too much noise or becomes too much of a problem THEN we will consider “relocating” her with her little travel bag of apples.  For now………  she can stay in the roof apartment with the”take-a-way” tree and we will see what happens……

Soft touches or what!!!??????????