The Magistrate’s Loo……

Where did that last week and a bit go??!  I was going to blog last night, but my husband was on the computer immersed in a puzzle/find it game and I didn’t have the heart to kick him off!!  Considering it is usually my arse plastered to the computer chair most evenings I thought I should let him have a turn.  I am considerate and selfless like that 🙂

How’s my band life been going???  Glad you asked!!……………………..For the last week I have been quite tight and then I wasn’t tight and then I was tight etc etc etc.  Some weeks it totally bamboozles me and I just can’t figure out what makes it do what it does.  One day I feel hungry and eat well…..the next I gag on water!!  It was my “long” work week ,which poses it’s own set of problems, in that I am too lazy to do much exercise when I get home and it is dark and cold.  I also run the gauntlet of the fundraising chocolates and lollies sitting on the counter and usually lose the fight at about 3pm!! 

Anyhoooooo……I had two nasty spew incidents this last week.  The first one I had just taken a bite of my wholemeal cheese and vegemite sanga around 11am at my desk and the phone rang……so I must have swallowed too quickly without chewing properly.  I was talking to the guy from prosecution and I felt the saliva well-up in my mouth and my eyes started to pop out of my head and I knew I was going to bring it up……….so I took the phone up to Penny’s desk and threw it at her saying, “Can you take over this call?” and ran like blazes down to the toilet and heaved it up again!!

In these circumstances……I am glad the girls at work know about my band!!  I thanked Penny profusely on my return and proceeded to explain in detail that it isn’t actually vomit…..but undigested, gluggy sandwich garnished with phlem that was heaved back up.  She loves it when I go into detail like that for her……. 🙂

The next day I was having my sandwich again around the same time. I had run out of water in my bottle, so decided to head down to the Magistrate’s chambers kitchenette to refill it.  The Magistrate has a water station thingy in there and he lets us fill up our bottles whenever we want.  So, I am heading through the public waiting area of the court towards the first set of double doors that lead into the courts and whammo!!! I felt that eye popping, mouth watering…..no holding back feeling come over me!!  It just happens out of the blue and you have absolutely no control over it. I felt like a deer caught in the headlights.  Should I turn back or forge ahead???…..I kept going.

  Well, I can’t open my mouth in front of the waiting defendants, so I break into a bit of a trot across the floor and slam through the first set of double doors.  Then there is another set of double doors that I have to swipe my security card through……….I can hardly see what I am swiping at from the tears in my eyes. The pain is indescribable during one of these episodes and my eyes turn red and water and I just gulp like a bloody guppy fish!!!  So now I am in another section of the corridor facing another set of doors!! By this stage I am getting desperate and thinking I am not going to make it to the sink in the kitchenette before I spew. 

I have my security card hanging around my neck and I am pulling at it trying to swipe the bloody thing over the sensor thingy.  I could’nt see properly and was starting to panic a bit too…………so I nearly strangled myself in the process with the neck cord!!  It got tangled up in my necklace in my hurried panic.  I am trying to swipe, untangle so I could breathe and hold in the spew all at the same time!!  Finally through the doors and then I see the Magistrates toilet on the right side just through the doors……..

OMG!!!!  This was the holy grail of spewing spots.  I had never been into HIS HONOURS LOO.  Should I?,  could I??  Would I???……….You bet your arse I did!!!!  🙂  The door to the holy grail was open…… I expected to see a shaft of golden sunlight streaming out from the white porcelain.  I pushed open the 2nd door and there it was……..His Honour’s throne.  It was even up on a bit of a pedestal made of the finest cement I’m sure.  The bowl was up beckoning me much like a crisp, white sheet turned down in a five star hotel room………I made the dive.  Sweet relief!!!!  I am thinking, besides my face, there has only been HIS HONOUR’S ARSE gracing this sacred porcelain dish.  I think that made me spew some more!!  All was quiet and peaceful in my world.  Court was in session and I was thankful for that!!!!  So HE wasn’t in his chambers and therefore, couldn’t hear me spewing or doing the “royal” flush!!

So, I slipped into his chambers while I was at it and checked my face in his mirror!!!!!  I STOLE a tissue from the box on his desk and wiped off the smudged mascara, filled up my water bottle and left the scene of the crime.  I went back to my desk, threw away the rest of my sandwich and went and made a cup of soup because I was still hungry!!!!  Oh, and I told Penny…………….. it was such a big deal I just couldn’t keep it to myself……………. funny that??!!..aayy Penny 🙂

The other exciting thing that happened to me this week???…………………….I received this in the mail………

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I got the “lady with a crack” to model it for you.  It is the most beautiful hand knitted bag in (coincidently) all of my favourite colours!!!!!  I won Sylvia’s (The First Day of the Rest of my Life, Docsly ) 100th blog post prize and this arrived all the way from the U S of A on Thursday.  Sylvia………thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!!!!!!!!!!!!  I absolutely love it and it will be treasured, and used, forever!!!  Wow, you are so talented and I am absolutely thrilled to have received such a magnificent gift!!!  I’m speechless 🙂

Also, I just wanted to wish “The Dash” all the best.  She was being banded yesterday.  I am thinking of you and can’t wait to hear how it all went.  Also, my brother-in-law is being banded on Monday.  I am very proud of him and know he will do well and this step will change his life!!!  It is a bigger deal for a “bloke” I think?  However, don’t ring me…..I’ll ring you, OK???  🙂  I will be with you both in spirit while you gag your way through the liquid and mushie stages……..waahaaaaaaaa!!!!!

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21 thoughts on “The Magistrate’s Loo……

  1. Will you ever tell him you were sick in his loo? And will you ever learn…. (I’m grateful it doesn’t come upon me as quickly as that, sounds ‘orrible).
    I agree about the bag – it’s beautiful Sylvia! Aren’t you clever.
    Caroline

  2. too hysterical yet again lol…..give my regards to Dean…heck I may even pop in and see him seeings how im going to be in there too lol

  3. I had my very first productive burp this week – but I’m thinking of calling “spew” from now on. It was everything you wrote and I didn’t have a magistrate’s loo to help me over it!

  4. Hey Nola 🙂

    Just wanted to drop you a quick note. I got your message on my blog, but JUST as I was heading out the door, so no time to respond. But I did read it (and also the note for at the end of this blog of yours) and wanted to say a huge thanks for your support, (n-hugs… most important when feeling sore and sorry for myself 🙂

    Another funny one from you. You do get into mischief lol. Speak soon xxxxx and will let you know all about my adventure.

    The Dash… Cara

  5. What??? no pictures of the magnificent loo?
    Love the bag, beautiful colors there. It will be pretty in the spring and summer don’t you think.
    Take care…;p

  6. Nola, you crack me up! I have had this happen in a restaurant and it was no fun at all! Especially when they had no friggin loo! I had to make a mad dash to the car where I keep a stockpile of spew vessles! I am in Hobart from 26th june until 30th june. Did you want to catch up? I have a rental car on the 28th we could meet you somewhere if you like? Let me know!

  7. Oh do I feel your pain! I am getting better and carrying ziplock bags- My mother-in-law who lives in the UK said that she can always spot the American moms by their ziplock bags. Well i carry them for unexpected ‘spew’ episodes. In fact today I stupidly tried to eat my lunch while driving. Needless to say I managed to drive and spew at the same time. Thank goodness it is not the same as a regular barf!!

    I loveeeeeee the it that you ducked into the throne room though 🙂

    Tina

  8. What a horrible mad dash you had to the magistrates throne room.
    But what a funny way you have of putting it into words.
    Thanks for sharing with us. I think???? tee hee

  9. Sylvia is one of my favorite people. Her blog is always so positive and determined. That is a beautiful bag. She always pays so much attention to her readers blogs and comments. She is delightful.

    And I must say spewing into his honour’s porcelain. If I hadn’t been so feeling for you, I probably would have peed my pants on this post.

    Nola, you are one of a kind! And I’m so lucky I found you and your little corner of the world. You are delightful. I don’t know anyone who can talk about “spewing” and make it funny.

    Helen

  10. Good Lord Nola…you have got to put these blogs in a book. You are too damned talented and these blogs are priceless reads. I could picture the shaft of light coming down on the throne, your hair lit up in holy light as chunks fly from your mouth. Poor thing. too bad they didn’t have a royal purple pillow for your poor knees!

    I adore you!

  11. GAWD! Don’t you hate it when that happens, I’m waiting for the day I actually lose it from my mouth over everyone and everything!

  12. Fuck I’m cold…. oh sorry! Now where was I?
    Oh yeah…. I posted a pretty photo for you just now… drool all ya want.. he’s mine! lol
    And yes, I would LOVE to have you turn up on me doorstep ya tart. COME ON OVER!!!

  13. Yeah bit disappointed about the lack of photo of the loo 🙂

    Geez I’ve had some of those close calls – it’s bloody awful. Wait till you have to pull over to the side of the road and try to find a tree to hurl behind. At least everyone going past just assumes you’re a horrible drunk! Haha!

    Em 🙂

  14. Nole – I love your blog so much! His Honour’s Arse.. oh my gosh, I still can’t stop laughing.

    I have to say, when I was having my first PB at work last week which took nearly an hour to get it all out, I did spend time considering whose butts had sat on the seats before my face was there. Thank goodness the PB had been first thing in the morning and no-one had used the toilets since they’d been cleaned the night before. Charming huh??

    I do think you need to do a fly-by of the loo again and get a pic!!

    klm.. xo

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