Hornbag explanation……for Dawn :)

Well, it all started with a top Australian comedy…….Kath and Kim.  America tried to pinch it and put their own actors into it….but it just didn’t translate properly and was a big flop over there.  I believe, from what I have read, that England “gets it”. 

I am not going to go into the whole show or anything……but go to www.kathandkim.com  and you will get a fair idea of what it is all about.  It is set in a Melbourne suburb called Fountain Lakes.  These two women and their relationships with family and friends are hilarious!!!  I just love the humour.  They get their words all mixed up saying things like effulent instead of affluent.  And pronounce things wrongly.  Kath (the mother) says to Kim (the daughter)…..”Look at moi, Kimmie, look at moi”…..instead of “me”.  Kath hates having a “chooky neck” and wears lots of lycra at her pill – ar-tays classes.

Kim dreams of being a total hornbag.  She lounges on her bed amongst her care bear collection and dreams of being totally awesome…..if only her husband was more “effluent”!!! 

Anyhow……that is where the hornbag comes from.  A little bit left of centre but tote-a-lee gorgeous in an “up yourself” kind of way.  It is just taking the piss out of yourself while being totally confident that you are the foxiest lady in the vicinity.  If someone says “you look roolly noice tonight”……….you say, “I BLOODY KNOW I DO”!!!!  A hornbag has attitude…..even when wearing a matching knitted cardigan with your husband whilst sitting in the shopping centre food court sipping chheye larr tays.  (chai lattes)  If you have someone over for dinner you would definitely start with little boys on sticks and pickled onions stuck into an orange on toothpicks.  And God forbid if you didn’t have seafood extender cocktails for ontrayyyy.  

I don’t know exactly where they got the hornbag word from.  I am thinking maybe………….well……………..you know how a man’s erection is sometimes referred to as a “horn”????  You didn’t ??…………..well, it is 🙂  Well, if you look foxy enough to cause that type of reaction……then you are definitely the right “port in a storm” for that “littleboy”  🙂

Even so……………..we might be foxy ladies with they way we carry off a good taffetta number………..but it all boils down to the attitude.  You just have to live and breathe confidence ladies.  Believe you are something special……….tell everybody you are……….strut your stuff………know you have it going on bigtime…….and keep that smile on your dial.  If any B.I.T.C.H.  tries to knock you off your perch………………tell them to go take their “pussy bum” sour face mouth elsewhere………………jell-ooz-see  is  such a curse!!!!   Oh, and put the emphasis on the wrong words while you say it!

Now Dawn……I know you can’t wait to get practicing on being a total hornbag…….so I thought I might give you some tips.  Of course, it takes dedication…..and, like me, you may have to use your weekends to get a start on it.  Remember…..it’s all about the att-ee-tude and your oar-rah.  I like to get my house nice and clean first.  I worked like a slave girl today and shampooed my carpets and lots of other things………..then I could totally relax and work on MOI.


First on the agenda was a good covering of REDDISH BROWN to whip those pesky little grey nomads back into line…….

MAY 010

You may have to lock the doors and avoid standing near the windows for 40 minutes.  I chose to spend my waiting time productively by peeling the vegetables for that night’s dinner because you must be able to multi task and then totally brag about it if you are a hornbag.  I also tried taking photos in the bathroom mirror of myself with the colour in……because you must believe…………..even with a colour in your hair you look tote-a-lee HOT!!!!


MAY 014

So, now you are on a roll you might as well paint your toenails.  DO NOT do them in some pastel pale icky colour…..no, no, no…….   Fire Engine Red is the way to go.  Because even when you have size 10 feet and puffy ankles you have to show you CARE about and LOVE yourself sooooooooo much that no part of you is neglected…………….EVER!!!!  A hornbag must always be prepared….you never know when you may sprain your ankle and have to take your socks off!!


MAY 026

Now, I don’t know about you………………and I am harping back to the multi tasking here………………….but I think the ONLY way to get your nail polish dry in quick smart time is to wear something comfortable (like the PJ’s I have on in this picture).  Of course………..they MUST be style-ish and say something deep and meaningful like mine do…………ie:  ” IT’S SO EXHAUSTING BEING FABULOUS” …………………………and then hop on your exercise bike and pedal like the wind until the polish dries 🙂


MAY 023

Now, I know this is quite a bit for you to soak in all at once.  But I just have one more tip for you.  Relaxation is important in your quest to becoming the best Hornbag you can possibly be.  You don’t want to get all overtired and stressed and develop early onset “chooky neck” and “crows feet”……………..so remember to kick back and, once you have slathered your legs and arms in a roolly noice smelly moisturiser get warm and put your feet up for a while.


Also, remember that even when wearing a dressing gown you must consider the make-up of your ensemble.  I like to wear cosy warm furry boots.  Not just any common old slipper boots………I got mine at a classy shop called “Target” and they cost nearly $20.00!!!  I like the dressing gown I am wearing because it doesn’t clash with the colour of my loungesuite………….or the feature wall in the kitchen………….or the doona cover.  You get the picture 🙂  Some may call it beige and boring………I like to think of it as “sensitively subtle” with a hint of an “I don’t care attitude”. Plus, it is a really expensive brand that I got on sale.  I don’t tell people I got it in a sale………….A HORNBAG NEVER TELLS!!!

I like to call this photo…………….”Hornbag Reclining”


MAY 031


So there you go.  I hope I have given you a better understanding of what being a hornbag entails.  It was a miserable, cold, windy day here and I thought………….”What can I do to make the world a better place today?”  Then it struck me…………I will help my poor blog friends in their quest to become more aquainted with the meaning of the term Hornbag.  After all………………..even Hornbags have compassion and care about the big issues.

Ploise….don’t go clogging up the comments with your heartfelt thanks……..I know what it must mean to you to have such expert advice at the touch of a keyboard 🙂


34 thoughts on “Hornbag explanation……for Dawn :)

  1. You are definitely doing us Hornbags Proud Nola! Look at you gorgeous thing! You are evaporating in front of my very eyes!

    Stunning. Even in the PJ’s.

  2. All I can say is FARKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK…..I have visitors and here I am with the laptop on my lap (naturally enuff) and I am pissing myself laughing….literally…I’ll be running out to the bathroom soon or I’ll be shampooing my carpets tomorrow….you are such a crack up Nola…no wonder I love you so much lol…You are the only person that can lift my spirits when I really think they cant be lifted….you truly are the epitomy of a HORNBAG!!!!!!
    You’ll go out singing “I did it my way” …..I can see it now lol

    truly truly inspirational lol

    love Margie

  3. Kim: My favourite movie’s Shallow Hal. I can relate.
    Kath: Why? Because you’re big kim?
    Kim: No, because I’m shallow. God, you’re rude to me.

    you gotta love those girls…. I used to dress up like sharon, now I’m a hornbag just like Kimmy,….. you too Nola!!

  4. Oh anointed one, Queen of the Hornbags, spreader of The Word throughout blogland, I give thee thanks for lightening our miserably inferior British darkness and sacrificing thyself so that others may learn the way to everlasting hornbagness.
    PS: When I can reach my toenails to paint them without keeling over, I’ll report on my progress of transformation.

  5. noice blog sis………you are sooo good. dean and i cant get over your bike picture so skinny.

    just did my toenails as well in a deep brick colour to stand out on the cream lounge….lol

    i love your blog you are really taking after mum as a talented authorhornbagess.

    hope you are keeping hard copies of all this
    love me x x x

  6. Flip…I still have my “Sharon” days….lol

    Caroline….you are a total crack-up!! I love your sense of humour…and how you write so el-o-quent-leee.

    Kaz…. you have to say that…you are my sister!!! I am only doing this so I can fit into your jeans you know 🙂 I want access to your wardrobe sooooooo badly !!!

  7. ROFL….

    Make sure you don’t forget the savveloys… little boys… oh… and can you pick up a statue of little baby ch-j-esus?

    Mustn’t forget that the perfect hornbag has to have the perfect partner… prefereably a purveyor of fine meats….


  8. FGS….I have the perfect partner who is a great “prostituter” in the courtroom! lol He just wont come at the idea of a manbag though…..*sigh*

  9. Love Kath & Kim! Love your description of a hornbag even more!! Thanks for starting my day of with a laugh!!!:-)

    You are wasted working whereever you are – you should be writing!

  10. I just showed Hannah the exercise bike pic and the following is her reaction/comment:

    lower jaw hits the floor….THUD!!!!!


  11. Nola – you are a hornbag, in fact, you have inspired me to embrace my inner hornbag and become more effluent..

    (You are tiny! Looking fantastic!)

  12. JAYZUS woman!! I’m on the phone to Telstra (don’t get me started….. ffs!! ) and reading your blog and the woman on the end the phone thinks I’m INSANE!!!! I couldn’t stop laughing. Tried to explain what I’m reading.. but those Telstra people need to go out and buy a sense of humor. When they were scouting for talent for Kath and Kim.. they missed going to Tassie. Had they known there was a “genuine” living, breathing hornbag, you would have earned first place as Kath (or do you want to be Kimmy?) Pity that Jane and Gina picked themselves to be the stars, even if it WAS their idea and they intended to be Kath and Kim themselves… shame shame lol. Keep kicking Nola. You rock!!
    Cara xx

  13. Nola, you are indeed a truly beautiful Hornbag! I get your description and can’t wait to catch up with Kath and Kim when they show again in the UK… I may ask Steve to download the series for me in the meantime as I want to experience the whole Hornbag phenomenon from the start. You look amazing!!! You look fit and healthy and – I know – YOU KNOW you do!!

    Will cerise pink do for my toe nails? Cos I plan to start tomorrow morning with a house tidy and end the day with a salsacise class – but in the middle I’m gonna pamper me.

    Thank you for a wonderful post, I so enjoy reading your blog.

    I want to be a Hornbag like you…. I’ll post pictures when I start….. LOL


  14. Love the hair colour Noles, its noice, different, unusual yeah its noice. It must be time to break out the Tia Maria or perhaps a cardonnay ya chunt! You’re looking totally hot ya hornbag, oim gunna hav to scratch ya eyes out ya mole!

  15. Oh and hornbag comes from the word horny – ur just a bag of horniness as in a scumbag is just a bag of scum etc etc. Although I do like the affiliation with the male phallus, noice touch.

    Signing off now
    Daggy Shaggs
    Post Grad Dip Ed
    BA VA (Hons)
    MB Literature
    2001 Shot Champion
    Revesby Workers Club

  16. Oh My Gosh…thankyou, thankyou, thankyou…I’ve been searching for so long for someonw to ed-yooo-cate me. I must run now and get my supplies…see you at Targggget.

  17. I’ve read this through for the 4th time and I have pains from laughing. I agree with Chris H. hornbag = tart. I Love you Nola!!! You skinny, hornbag, tart!
    For all the future hornbags in hornbagdom, ej-yoo-cate yourselves with the wisdom of the Most High Hornbag!

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