The Magistrate’s Loo……

Where did that last week and a bit go??!  I was going to blog last night, but my husband was on the computer immersed in a puzzle/find it game and I didn’t have the heart to kick him off!!  Considering it is usually my arse plastered to the computer chair most evenings I thought I should let him have a turn.  I am considerate and selfless like that 🙂

How’s my band life been going???  Glad you asked!!……………………..For the last week I have been quite tight and then I wasn’t tight and then I was tight etc etc etc.  Some weeks it totally bamboozles me and I just can’t figure out what makes it do what it does.  One day I feel hungry and eat well…..the next I gag on water!!  It was my “long” work week ,which poses it’s own set of problems, in that I am too lazy to do much exercise when I get home and it is dark and cold.  I also run the gauntlet of the fundraising chocolates and lollies sitting on the counter and usually lose the fight at about 3pm!! 

Anyhoooooo……I had two nasty spew incidents this last week.  The first one I had just taken a bite of my wholemeal cheese and vegemite sanga around 11am at my desk and the phone rang……so I must have swallowed too quickly without chewing properly.  I was talking to the guy from prosecution and I felt the saliva well-up in my mouth and my eyes started to pop out of my head and I knew I was going to bring it up……….so I took the phone up to Penny’s desk and threw it at her saying, “Can you take over this call?” and ran like blazes down to the toilet and heaved it up again!!

In these circumstances……I am glad the girls at work know about my band!!  I thanked Penny profusely on my return and proceeded to explain in detail that it isn’t actually vomit…..but undigested, gluggy sandwich garnished with phlem that was heaved back up.  She loves it when I go into detail like that for her……. 🙂

The next day I was having my sandwich again around the same time. I had run out of water in my bottle, so decided to head down to the Magistrate’s chambers kitchenette to refill it.  The Magistrate has a water station thingy in there and he lets us fill up our bottles whenever we want.  So, I am heading through the public waiting area of the court towards the first set of double doors that lead into the courts and whammo!!! I felt that eye popping, mouth watering…..no holding back feeling come over me!!  It just happens out of the blue and you have absolutely no control over it. I felt like a deer caught in the headlights.  Should I turn back or forge ahead???…..I kept going.

  Well, I can’t open my mouth in front of the waiting defendants, so I break into a bit of a trot across the floor and slam through the first set of double doors.  Then there is another set of double doors that I have to swipe my security card through……….I can hardly see what I am swiping at from the tears in my eyes. The pain is indescribable during one of these episodes and my eyes turn red and water and I just gulp like a bloody guppy fish!!!  So now I am in another section of the corridor facing another set of doors!! By this stage I am getting desperate and thinking I am not going to make it to the sink in the kitchenette before I spew. 

I have my security card hanging around my neck and I am pulling at it trying to swipe the bloody thing over the sensor thingy.  I could’nt see properly and was starting to panic a bit too…………so I nearly strangled myself in the process with the neck cord!!  It got tangled up in my necklace in my hurried panic.  I am trying to swipe, untangle so I could breathe and hold in the spew all at the same time!!  Finally through the doors and then I see the Magistrates toilet on the right side just through the doors……..

OMG!!!!  This was the holy grail of spewing spots.  I had never been into HIS HONOURS LOO.  Should I?,  could I??  Would I???……….You bet your arse I did!!!!  🙂  The door to the holy grail was open…… I expected to see a shaft of golden sunlight streaming out from the white porcelain.  I pushed open the 2nd door and there it was……..His Honour’s throne.  It was even up on a bit of a pedestal made of the finest cement I’m sure.  The bowl was up beckoning me much like a crisp, white sheet turned down in a five star hotel room………I made the dive.  Sweet relief!!!!  I am thinking, besides my face, there has only been HIS HONOUR’S ARSE gracing this sacred porcelain dish.  I think that made me spew some more!!  All was quiet and peaceful in my world.  Court was in session and I was thankful for that!!!!  So HE wasn’t in his chambers and therefore, couldn’t hear me spewing or doing the “royal” flush!!

So, I slipped into his chambers while I was at it and checked my face in his mirror!!!!!  I STOLE a tissue from the box on his desk and wiped off the smudged mascara, filled up my water bottle and left the scene of the crime.  I went back to my desk, threw away the rest of my sandwich and went and made a cup of soup because I was still hungry!!!!  Oh, and I told Penny…………….. it was such a big deal I just couldn’t keep it to myself……………. funny that??!!..aayy Penny 🙂

The other exciting thing that happened to me this week???…………………….I received this in the mail………

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I got the “lady with a crack” to model it for you.  It is the most beautiful hand knitted bag in (coincidently) all of my favourite colours!!!!!  I won Sylvia’s (The First Day of the Rest of my Life, Docsly ) 100th blog post prize and this arrived all the way from the U S of A on Thursday.  Sylvia………thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!!!!!!!!!!!!  I absolutely love it and it will be treasured, and used, forever!!!  Wow, you are so talented and I am absolutely thrilled to have received such a magnificent gift!!!  I’m speechless 🙂

Also, I just wanted to wish “The Dash” all the best.  She was being banded yesterday.  I am thinking of you and can’t wait to hear how it all went.  Also, my brother-in-law is being banded on Monday.  I am very proud of him and know he will do well and this step will change his life!!!  It is a bigger deal for a “bloke” I think?  However, don’t ring me…..I’ll ring you, OK???  🙂  I will be with you both in spirit while you gag your way through the liquid and mushie stages……..waahaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Hornbag explanation……for Dawn :)

Well, it all started with a top Australian comedy…….Kath and Kim.  America tried to pinch it and put their own actors into it….but it just didn’t translate properly and was a big flop over there.  I believe, from what I have read, that England “gets it”. 

I am not going to go into the whole show or anything……but go to www.kathandkim.com  and you will get a fair idea of what it is all about.  It is set in a Melbourne suburb called Fountain Lakes.  These two women and their relationships with family and friends are hilarious!!!  I just love the humour.  They get their words all mixed up saying things like effulent instead of affluent.  And pronounce things wrongly.  Kath (the mother) says to Kim (the daughter)…..”Look at moi, Kimmie, look at moi”…..instead of “me”.  Kath hates having a “chooky neck” and wears lots of lycra at her pill – ar-tays classes.

Kim dreams of being a total hornbag.  She lounges on her bed amongst her care bear collection and dreams of being totally awesome…..if only her husband was more “effluent”!!! 

Anyhow……that is where the hornbag comes from.  A little bit left of centre but tote-a-lee gorgeous in an “up yourself” kind of way.  It is just taking the piss out of yourself while being totally confident that you are the foxiest lady in the vicinity.  If someone says “you look roolly noice tonight”……….you say, “I BLOODY KNOW I DO”!!!!  A hornbag has attitude…..even when wearing a matching knitted cardigan with your husband whilst sitting in the shopping centre food court sipping chheye larr tays.  (chai lattes)  If you have someone over for dinner you would definitely start with little boys on sticks and pickled onions stuck into an orange on toothpicks.  And God forbid if you didn’t have seafood extender cocktails for ontrayyyy.  

I don’t know exactly where they got the hornbag word from.  I am thinking maybe………….well……………..you know how a man’s erection is sometimes referred to as a “horn”????  You didn’t ??…………..well, it is 🙂  Well, if you look foxy enough to cause that type of reaction……then you are definitely the right “port in a storm” for that “littleboy”  🙂

Even so……………..we might be foxy ladies with they way we carry off a good taffetta number………..but it all boils down to the attitude.  You just have to live and breathe confidence ladies.  Believe you are something special……….tell everybody you are……….strut your stuff………know you have it going on bigtime…….and keep that smile on your dial.  If any B.I.T.C.H.  tries to knock you off your perch………………tell them to go take their “pussy bum” sour face mouth elsewhere………………jell-ooz-see  is  such a curse!!!!   Oh, and put the emphasis on the wrong words while you say it!

Now Dawn……I know you can’t wait to get practicing on being a total hornbag…….so I thought I might give you some tips.  Of course, it takes dedication…..and, like me, you may have to use your weekends to get a start on it.  Remember…..it’s all about the att-ee-tude and your oar-rah.  I like to get my house nice and clean first.  I worked like a slave girl today and shampooed my carpets and lots of other things………..then I could totally relax and work on MOI.

 

First on the agenda was a good covering of REDDISH BROWN to whip those pesky little grey nomads back into line…….

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You may have to lock the doors and avoid standing near the windows for 40 minutes.  I chose to spend my waiting time productively by peeling the vegetables for that night’s dinner because you must be able to multi task and then totally brag about it if you are a hornbag.  I also tried taking photos in the bathroom mirror of myself with the colour in……because you must believe…………..even with a colour in your hair you look tote-a-lee HOT!!!!

 

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So, now you are on a roll you might as well paint your toenails.  DO NOT do them in some pastel pale icky colour…..no, no, no…….   Fire Engine Red is the way to go.  Because even when you have size 10 feet and puffy ankles you have to show you CARE about and LOVE yourself sooooooooo much that no part of you is neglected…………….EVER!!!!  A hornbag must always be prepared….you never know when you may sprain your ankle and have to take your socks off!!

 

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Now, I don’t know about you………………and I am harping back to the multi tasking here………………….but I think the ONLY way to get your nail polish dry in quick smart time is to wear something comfortable (like the PJ’s I have on in this picture).  Of course………..they MUST be style-ish and say something deep and meaningful like mine do…………ie:  ” IT’S SO EXHAUSTING BEING FABULOUS” …………………………and then hop on your exercise bike and pedal like the wind until the polish dries 🙂

 

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Now, I know this is quite a bit for you to soak in all at once.  But I just have one more tip for you.  Relaxation is important in your quest to becoming the best Hornbag you can possibly be.  You don’t want to get all overtired and stressed and develop early onset “chooky neck” and “crows feet”……………..so remember to kick back and, once you have slathered your legs and arms in a roolly noice smelly moisturiser get warm and put your feet up for a while.

 

Also, remember that even when wearing a dressing gown you must consider the make-up of your ensemble.  I like to wear cosy warm furry boots.  Not just any common old slipper boots………I got mine at a classy shop called “Target” and they cost nearly $20.00!!!  I like the dressing gown I am wearing because it doesn’t clash with the colour of my loungesuite………….or the feature wall in the kitchen………….or the doona cover.  You get the picture 🙂  Some may call it beige and boring………I like to think of it as “sensitively subtle” with a hint of an “I don’t care attitude”. Plus, it is a really expensive brand that I got on sale.  I don’t tell people I got it in a sale………….A HORNBAG NEVER TELLS!!!

I like to call this photo…………….”Hornbag Reclining”

 

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So there you go.  I hope I have given you a better understanding of what being a hornbag entails.  It was a miserable, cold, windy day here and I thought………….”What can I do to make the world a better place today?”  Then it struck me…………I will help my poor blog friends in their quest to become more aquainted with the meaning of the term Hornbag.  After all………………..even Hornbags have compassion and care about the big issues.

Ploise….don’t go clogging up the comments with your heartfelt thanks……..I know what it must mean to you to have such expert advice at the touch of a keyboard 🙂

Week in Review..or what I ate and stuff…

Well, just thought I would put down what I eat this week and what I am doing day to day…..just out of interest and so that you can see what a slack tart I am!!  I have absolutely no structure to my days.  I don’t count calories, I don’t measure out one bloody cup of food….I just wing it basically.  That said…maybe it’s time I did!!!!

I have been going OK since my last fill and at this stage I don’t think I need another one.  Some things hurt….some things don’t.  Some days I don’t even feel like I have a bloody band…..other days I hate it!!!!  Mostly I love it.  I do know I should get my arse into gear and stop eating so much shit!!

So…..going to start with today.  I am doing this at work because I like to live on the edge!!!!!  Well, today anyway……………………

Tuesday:12th May

Up at 5.30am………I am nearly always up before the alarm (6.15am) because my hip hurts 😦  I don’t really mind though.  I quite enjoy my quiet time in the early mornings.  I feed the cat, give the dogs their smacko treat, make my coffee and turn the computer on.  I usually read blogs and comment etc for half an hour each morning.  It is a quiet thing to do so I don’t wake Ricky up until the alarm goes off.

Ricky gets up,…….another coffee with him.  Make our “play lunches” for the day.  He goes to work……I get in the shower and then I go to work too. This morning I didn’t make any lunch for me….because I only had enough bread for Ricky’s lunch…..I will get something on way to work.

Today I ate:-

1 slice of date loaf with margarine & skinny latte for breakfast (at my desk when I got to work)….doesn’t everybody have date loaf for breakfast!!??

1 small chicken caesar wrap between 11am and 12.30pm.  I picked the lettuce out of it because it was disgusting….not because I can’t eat lettuce.  So ended up with small quantity of chicken & the wrap bit.

1 small white chocolate solid egg that Penny gave me.  (about the equivalent of a square of chocolate )

1 skinny latte

4pm…… it is taking all my strength not to go to the vending machine and get a packet of Samboy bbq chips!!!!  I am going to make another coffee because that might stop me!!!

My work days suck!!!!!  I always end up having something “bad” when I am at work.  I need to work on this.  I haven’t drunk any water so far today…..bad, bad, bad!!!!  Raced home from work, grabbed Scarlett and took her to the vet for her 2nd anti inflammatory injection for her dicky knees. 

2 poached eggs on top of peas and corn.  I feel full…but still want to eat something else!!  Know what I mean??  Ricky working late tonight….another trap…..bored so I eat.  I might get sick of typing before I get sick of eating….. but I will be truthful 🙂

All right!!!!  I found some Weight Watchers Belgian Eclairs in the freezer……..find!!!!!  So I ate all three of them 😦  It says on the box they are one and a half points each….so I don’t think that was too bad.  Not good though….shouldn’t be feeling like I want them.

So today…..no water, no exercise and no self control………..bugger.

Wednesday  13th

I love green…………….  well, actually I am writing this on Thursday…..but I think I can remember what I ate……unfortunately.  Skinny latte & fruit bun for breakfast at my desk again!!  Took about half an hour to get that lot down inbetween answering the phone…………..not because it hurt or anything.  I hate it when work interferes with my eating!!

Then I was in court for most of the day.  Got a quick break around lunchtime & I got a lowfat banana smoothie……it tasted like shit….so I threw it in the bin!!  So then I was running out of time so I grabbed a weird looking pastry & meaty type of pinwheel thingy & a coffee.  Ate half that and it started to hurt like hell…..so threw the last half away.  Then I am sitting in front of the Magistrate with Reagan and I am eyeing off the bin on the floor next to me wondering how I could hurl into it without the rest of the courtroom seeing or hearing!!!  

Not going to happen.  Reg (Reagan) knew I was having “difficulty” but all she bloody did was laugh!!!  We were sitting in front of the Magistrate with our backs to him and it is bad enough with two of us in there trying to control the giggles and writing stupid notes while boring hearings are on………….  she is whispering….”Chuck in the bin….go on!!”  I was just paranoid I would do a loud burp!!!!  Thankfully it went away and Reg had to find something else to amuse herself with 🙂

I have to say at this point that I am very, very fortunate to have great workmates and they are good fun and fantastic girls. (I have to say this because they read my blog!!)  They have been so understanding about the lapband thing and are always interested in how I am going and very supportive.  They have a wicked sense of humour which is right up my alley!!  They can call me Nola if they want………but I much prefer it if they call me Hornbag or Goddess…….which they do 🙂  I am the oldest and by faaarrrrrr soooooooo much more mature than them!!!!!!!!!!!!   Reg is my Goddess in training……..I am mentoring her 🙂

Oh….food……….Ricky working lates again, so only myself to please.  I had 2 poached eggs, about a cup of baked beans on 2 slices of grain toast for my tea.  I was starving!!!!!!!!!!  Then later I really wanted ice-cream and topping………but I had yoghurt instead. 

Thursday 14th  ………(today)

First day of my run of days off.  Showered…..out the door and up to the supermarket to do some groceries.  I like grocery shopping when I have the time.  Our supermarket plays really good music too….so I bop along and check out what is new or improved. I brought a Biggest Loser shake (already made up in a carton container with straw) and intended to drink that once I finished groceries.  Two mouthfuls in the car and I threw it out…..tasted disgusting!!  I seem to be having a run on throwing things away!  Then I went and paid the hardware shop account so I can put more on there!!  I LOVE the hardware shop…..I just can’t walk out with nothing.  This morning I brought a dinky drawer insert for my cutlery. 

Back home……….grabbed dogs …. back into car…..drove down to beach…..walked them for about 30 minutes.  Just made it back to the car before the rain came.  Back home….made coffee …. heated up a savoury muffin (small about the size of a cupcake)……….had two bites……….hurt like hell……….fed the rest to the dogs!!

By early afternoon I was starving…..so made a bowl of porridge and ate that with no problems.  I have a beef and mushroom casserole thingy in the slow cooker for our tea tonight and it smells beautiful.  Hopefully I will be able to eat some of that!!!!  I will be pissed off if I can’t .

This afternoon I have been moving furniture.  Ricky will have a pink fit when he gets home!!!  I have moved the dressing table back into our room, moved the wardrobe out of our room, pulled the spare bedroom bedhead apart and offered it to the neighbour, cleaned out all my old handbags from the wardrobe and offered them to her too!!!  Ricky will say, “You shouldn’t have moved that by yourself!!”  ra, ra, ra…………I kind of push it along with my legs.  He just gets worried………..but when I feel OK I like to do stuff 🙂 And I am too impatient to wait for him to get home once I get an idea in my head……………………….

I am bored with writing my food down……………..I am not going to do it anymore.  I will just fill you in on any highlights like a public PB and things like that:)  I suppose I will post this anyway……………even though it is boring, boring, boring……………………………………………..at least you learnt that I LOVE poached eggs 🙂

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Strength……….

Sunday:     

Love myself sick 🙂

Yes I do!!!!   You remember I got some 2nd hand jeans and trousers from the op shop the other week?  One pair of jeans was brand new.  They are Jeans West brand size 18.  They come from a JEANS shop and are a NORMAL persons size 18……………………normal, ya hear me!!!!!………………..NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    Not a “fat arse” 18 from Target or even a “fat arse” size 16………….. but a bloody NORMAL size 18 from a REAL jeans shop !!!!!

I have them on now . Granted, I can’t breathe and could collapse at any moment…………but damn it………these suckers are staying on all day.  I am wearing them to my Mum’s for Mother’s Day.  I hope they loosen up a bit……..but I don’t farking care!!!!  They are on and zipped up and these babies are staying wrapped around this ample arse until I choose to take them off…………….or collapse…………..whichever comes first 🙂

Monday:

I have been reading some other blogs where the tone is a little “down” to say the least.  Needing fills and getting the serious “munchies” and then beating themselves up about the fact that they need the band to give them the self control they feel they are lacking.  Guess what??!!…………….. I think you are all strong.  I think I am strong too!!!!

We were strong enough to do our research…….then strong enough and brave enough to go ahead with surgery…….then strong enough to put up with all the bullshit of liquids and mushies and burping and farting and people “checking” to see if we had shrunk yet.  We can have the band taken out again if we want…….but will we?  No farking way!!!!!!!………  because we are strong enough to drag ourselves through the “down” times and just bloody keep on keeping on towards our goals.  We just want to be perceived as “normal” weight.  Not be prima donnas and belles of bloody balls……just to blend in. 

 When someone asks “Oh which one is such and such?’ across a crowded room we just want the answer to be, “Oh, she is the one with the red top on over in the corner there”.  Not answer with, “Oh, she’s the large woman standing over there with those others”.   We want to be the “others”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have had a “fat” week myself…………and yet, yesterday I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.  Then today……..I felt blah again and even ate a couple of chocolates.  I am not proud of that fact………but I know I am strong enough to rein this “binge” day back in where it belongs……………….as history!!! 

I guess what I am trying to say is be proud of yourselves!! It doesn’t matter how you are going about your weight loss quest.  Be it WW or JC or shakes or banding……… we will always have good days and bad days.  What we need to remember is that we are strong………….of course we are or we wouldn’t be worried about doing what we are doing in the first place!!  So even if it seems like it is forever two steps forward and one step back…………….at least it is still one step forward 🙂 

When we have “meltdowns”  or think we have failed………we have to turn our thinking around.  We have not failed…….. we have merely PAUSED to gather our strength. 

And keep blogging!!!  I know how much it helps to blog when things are not going too well.  As a matter of fact it is probably more important to blog it out when things turn to shit!!  Because there is so much support out there and there is bound to be someone who says just the right thing at just the right time and helps you gather your strength again for another round!!

 

So in the meantime……………………………..

thnking

Get our opinions first…………………….if you are being a stubborn dumb arse…………….let us confirm that for you 🙂

A mixture…………….

Have to get this out of my system first………………………..waahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Honestly….even if I had the flu I would smile at this one 🙂

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Now I have that out of my system onwards……………………………………….

Last Saturday was my friend Georgie’s 40th birthday.  She had a hippy theme night.  I was home by 10pm!!!  My back seized on me and I felt soooooo sick I couldn’t even speak!!  So, that was disappointing because I felt perfectly Ok up until I didn’t feel perfectly OK.  She had a fantastic night though and I believe it took her until around Wednesday to recover!! 

My stupid bastard of a camera cracked a wobbly again and wouldn’t take night shots…………. I really must get a new camera!!!!  So, I ended up with a heap of blurred photos of us getting ready to go.  Karen, my sister, got ready at our place too.  So, here are a couple of blurry photos for you…………but you get the idea I suppose.  Just so you know……………I love myself sick with long hair!!!!!!!!!!!!  That wig was called the Farrah 🙂  Ricky’s wig was called the Morticia!!!  lol  I darkened Ricky’s eyebrows and nose caterpillar with my eyeliner to match his wig……..

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The sister……..she was sooo happening!!……………..

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OK…………you’ve had your laugh!!!  For most of the last week I have felt pretty Blahhhhhh.  I have been eating a little too much junk and slipping back into the old,

“Well, I have farked this week up….might as well keep eating” frame of mind.  It started at work on Monday and continued through to about Thursday!!  Maybe because I wasn’t feeling too well……………slipping back into the “eating the pain away” mode.  It can’t really be a hormone thing because they come in a packet these days!!  Anyhow I managed to shake myself out of it by Friday.

Had a great day Friday. Did lunch in Ulverstone (a smaller town about 20 minutes away) with Aysha…..(she is a workmate who is presently on maternity leave.)  We checked out all the charity and 2nd hand clothes places and I picked up some new jeans and a pair of woollen trousers for work for $3.50 each!!!!  Everywhere we went we found a bargain.  Even our lunch was fantastic.  I even had an old friend as a treat for morning tea……………a caramel mushroom!!!  OMG….it was heavenly and I enjoyed every bloody bite!!!    So good day there and it really cheered me up and lifted me out of that crappy mood 🙂

I brought this last week as well……………………………………..

 

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yep……..I never ever thought I would see the day where I brought a piece of exercise equipment!!!!!  The last time I had a piece of exercise equipment was …………….ummmmmmm………………..get back to you 🙂  I actually quite enjoy it.  It didn’t feel like it was working me all that hard until I realised it may have been the cause of my sore calf muscles the next day!!  I should have expected that though……..after all………I did a solid 20 minutes on it!!!!   hahahahahah

I also brought a pair of PJ’s on line from Dream Diva that say…….”It’s so exhausting being fabulous” ….  I like to wear them when I get on the bike in the morning 🙂 

Today I had Mum and Dad and Ricky’s Mum and Dad and Karen and her husband for lunch!  I did a Waldorf roast pork (stuffed with walnuts and apple)……..I should clarify…..the butcher did it….I just had to cook it 🙂  Lots of nice vegetables and gravy etc.  I also made a bread and butter pudding………..lovely if I do say so myself!   I didn’t get a lot down.  Just a tiny bit of the pork and a few vegies….. mind you, the bit of dessert went down very well 🙂  It must have been OK because not long after I found Dad and Karen with their respective dogs, Alice and Gloria …..  all with full bellies catching a few zzzzzzzz’s in a sunbeam on the lounge.  Either that……… or I poisoned them 🙂

 

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So there you go………….. hope you all had a good weekend.  I am going to settle in and watch the Logies now…. I like watching the beginning bit where they come down the red carpet and I get to check out what they are all wearing.  (Australian TV awards night for you non aussies)  More band stuff in a couple of days for you…………………