Confessional……

I have a confession……of sorts.  I make no apology…… I am tired of apologies!  The only person I am hurting is me anyway.  Why did I do this ridiculous binge thing?  I’m not sure…….but I think it is pain. Well, actually, I know it is pain.  I eat my way through pain.  Physical pain…..not mental.  It has been really, really bad the last 4 days or so…….really bad.  It is worrying me more than it ever has before.  Tonight, every joint in my body is hurting.  It is making me tired…….and teary. I got “stuck” walking across the kitchen yesterday.  I stood there like a statue waiting for a pigeon to shit on me and cried my eyes out…..it farking hurt.

I have an existing back injury where the bottom three discs are pretty much pancakes and bulging.  Last MRI I had they mentioned arthritis in these discs was beginning to show as well.  No idea why every other joint is hurting lately though.  I get the obligatory pains down the legs and deep into my hips, bum and feet…..and knees….let’s not forget the bloody knees!!  Sometimes I wonder what the little smart arses that gave me this injury are doing with their lives now.  I know one is dead from suicide……  I suspect the others are well and truely over their measely $600 fines they received for assault police.  Karma my friends…..karma!!   Do they have children?  I don’t.  A hysterectomy was another result later down the track from what you did. Are they in their dream careers?  I’m not anymore because I had to give it away because of my back.  I was 30…… little bastards!! I lasted in “the job” for another 10 years.  Only one of you came to me some months down the track and apologised for his actions and he wasn’t even one that kicked or hit me…… but he kind of started it.  I forgave him……thankyou for being man enough to face me….I appreciated it.

I am happy.  No really….. I am.  Just sometimes I reflect on past happenings and wonder what might have been….you know?  I believe in fate.  I believe in karma.  I am one of the most blessed people on this earth!!  I have the most amazing,  family!  I feel loved and I love.  I laugh…….a lot!!!  I love making other people laugh…..like you, my fellow bloggers and readers.  But even the happiest of us have a down day…… this is mine.  I don’t want sympathy……God no!!!  I will be fine tomorrow……I am just wallowing in today that’s all 🙂 

I know what I do and I know why I do it…….now how do I control it?  But, you know, this band thing and even just dieting is not going to be all plain sailing.  We know that.  It is helping….. but days like this….well, we have them and then we just have to move on.  Don’t let it sink you!  I think the trick is to acknowledge it…..anaylise it…..then move on.  Don’t wallow in it….don’t let it turn into tomorrow and then the next day.  Forgive yourself…..you’ve done it…..try and make it a longer stint between now and the next time.  Because there will be a next time!  We will all have plenty of next times……the best we can hope is that they are less and less severe each time until we realise that it has been 12 months or more between “next times” and we are actually getting a handle on this shit!

I was going to write down what I have eaten today.  Now I am not.  Suffice to say…..it was a lot.  Also it involved chocolate, cereal with sugar and cream, fish fingers & hash browns…..blah, blah.  I feel full and I feel uncomfortable and I feel shithouse now!!  But I have put the brake on.  I will take my “big guns” pain killers and go to bed early.  I will get up early and take the dogs for a long walk in the morning.  I will start afresh. Then I will try and plan for my next time and make sure I have some coping strategies in place to deal with the “pain days” rather than the bloody pantry!!

One of my main deciding factors in getting a lapband was my back.  I figure if my poor old back is not having to cart an extra 40 kilos around on it everyday….then that has to help!!  I needed to help myself help my back by getting this band.  So, no more binge days…..I am getting a grip!  I will find other coping mechanisms……..  I will be happy again tomorrow 🙂

deserve20better

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21 thoughts on “Confessional……

  1. Oh Nola, not much I can say, but am thinking of you!

    Police get the raw end of the stick a lot of the time, and I don’t think that many people realise what they do…

    Gah, that sounded so much better in my head!!

    xx

  2. Not much to say here either but you know that I am thinking of you always and sending you loads of hugs….even with the band we still will have our “bad” days….Karma will sort those out that you never had a chance to.
    Love n hugs
    Margie
    xoxoxoxoxo

  3. Oh Nola… yes we do all have bad shitty days… Tomorrow will be better..
    You can see light at the end of the tunnel and unfortunately the band doesnt stop you wanting to eat…
    I hope you are feeling better soon..
    Big hugs to you…
    P.S I have finally posted and hope to be back more regularly now…

  4. It’s ok to have shite days Nola, infact we need them to make the better days Great!. I understand what your saying a down day is actually good for us, tomorrow will be better and you will have recharged your batteries for a while. I look forward to your next post, I have a feeling you will be on top form. As far as the pain goes-keep topped up with the pills…..who said drugs are bad (used in the correct mannor of course)

    Love and thought’s to you Nola xxx

    Zenaxx

  5. Hello my friend, we are here. Know that.

    I had a shitty day today as well, but no where near as bad as yours, as I have NO pain, in fact, I have NO excuse for eating the amount of food I have consumed today. NONE!!! I am a weak, greedy glutton. So there.

    But…tomorrow is a new day isn’t it? I am ready for a do over.

    Thinking about you and sending positive thoughts your way.

    Trace

  6. Nola take care and we all have our crappy days. Heck who doesn’t. Surround your self with loads of family and loved ones and take care of your self.
    I too believe in Karma and those will get theres!
    Do something special to spoil yourself. Just for you! Just because you can:O)

    Take care
    Cheers Tina.

  7. Nola,

    It’s ok to have a pity party every now and then. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t. Believe me, I have plenty of them myself. If I were closer, I’d come and party with you. Here is hoping that tomorrow is a better day with lots of smiles. Hugs from me to you.

    Daniela

  8. ((hug))

    I know what that’s like. Not being injured by being assaulted by people, but by Lupus. I know what it’s like to want to eat through the pain, because it seems there is so damn little else in life. I also know about being “stuck” somewhere… and the feelings of helplessness and rage.

    You know that you’ll get through this, and that there will be better days (and perhaps, at times, worse days) but that everything you do to increase your fitness helps diminish the pain a little bit, and adds to the number of good days you have.

    My thoughts are with you today…

  9. Every now and then we need days like this… a friend and I were only talking yesterday about why the hell we binge… wonder if it is something we will do for the rest of our lives… you take care and hope you are feeling better today 🙂

  10. Your account of your experiences takes my breath away (I went back to your first entry), but then so does your positive approach to it all, despite having a down day. I can’t comment on what I know nothing about, only admire, but the negative aspect that stands out a mile is of course the pain you suffer in your back. And that will be mostly taken care of eventually by losing the 40 kg. It seems very likely that when you start a new decade, it will be with far less pain, and we’ll all be rejoicing with you.

    I hope you have a happy and positive new year surrounded by all the people that love you best.

    Caroline

  11. Some days we just have to wallow in it in order to get over it. Sleep it off, with or without medication.
    Sometimes surrounding ourselves with people and things we love is just not enough.
    But it goes away eventually. It’s part of life. Atleast it’s part of mine.
    We are all here for you! And we hope tomorrow is a better day!!!

  12. Someday you’ll learn to take your pain meds before you eat so much, then when the pain subsides you won’t have eaten so much… right? How’s that for psych 101!!

    We can’t be all Miss Merry Sunshine all the time. We just need to learn how to deal with it when it hits so it’s not so devastating. Hang in, girlfriend… you have a whole bunch o people supporting you. Feel free to yell at us instead of keeping it all in. We’re all pulling for you and, yes, 40 kilos off your back and joints will hep immensely.

    Helen

  13. Ha ha to wearing Nanna Knickers… nooooooo I dont wear them as they would come out over the tops of the jeans as they are almost hipster jeans… I just try to choose wisely out of my vast variety in my undie drawer… not a good look to throw the leg over the bike and have 3 inches of bonds undies hanging out the top of my jeans… rofl.. Not the sexy biker look I would like.. hahah

  14. I understand. Boy do I understand.

    “I know what I do and I know why I do it…….now how do I control it?”

    This is the million dollar answer.

    {{{Hugs}}}

  15. Hi Nola – luv the ‘making no apologies, only got yourself to harm’ line. How true. We seem to regularly punish ourselves, in such a way that we would not do to others. If I find out why we do this I’ll let you know, oh, and please share if you find out. Gawd. If only.
    I have a neck problem that causes me frequent pain. Someone recently put me on to glucosamine (2 p/day) and it seems to take the edge & frequency of pain away. Now I know this is only a ‘health food’ product, and don’t wish to undermine the intensity of your pain, but have you tried it? If not, maybe give it a go. You know, nothing ventured…
    Anyway, hope today’s less crappy for ya.
    Tracey E

  16. I’m a bit late with my reply because I’ve been bogged down in my own crap lately. This post just broke my heart. You are an amazing woman Nola and I am so thankful I met you.

  17. Let me just say for starter, that I hold police and emergency services people in the highest regard.

    They are the first people we shit on for giving us a speeding ticket, but they are the first people we call on when the shit hits the fan!!!!

    I totally believe in Karma, hell, just look at Earl!!!!

    Bel

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