I have a confession……of sorts. I make no apology…… I am tired of apologies! The only person I am hurting is me anyway. Why did I do this ridiculous binge thing? I’m not sure…….but I think it is pain. Well, actually, I know it is pain. I eat my way through pain. Physical pain…..not mental. It has been really, really bad the last 4 days or so…….really bad. It is worrying me more than it ever has before. Tonight, every joint in my body is hurting. It is making me tired…….and teary. I got “stuck” walking across the kitchen yesterday. I stood there like a statue waiting for a pigeon to shit on me and cried my eyes out…..it farking hurt.
I have an existing back injury where the bottom three discs are pretty much pancakes and bulging. Last MRI I had they mentioned arthritis in these discs was beginning to show as well. No idea why every other joint is hurting lately though. I get the obligatory pains down the legs and deep into my hips, bum and feet…..and knees….let’s not forget the bloody knees!! Sometimes I wonder what the little smart arses that gave me this injury are doing with their lives now. I know one is dead from suicide…… I suspect the others are well and truely over their measely $600 fines they received for assault police. Karma my friends…..karma!! Do they have children? I don’t. A hysterectomy was another result later down the track from what you did. Are they in their dream careers? I’m not anymore because I had to give it away because of my back. I was 30…… little bastards!! I lasted in “the job” for another 10 years. Only one of you came to me some months down the track and apologised for his actions and he wasn’t even one that kicked or hit me…… but he kind of started it. I forgave him……thankyou for being man enough to face me….I appreciated it.
I am happy. No really….. I am. Just sometimes I reflect on past happenings and wonder what might have been….you know? I believe in fate. I believe in karma. I am one of the most blessed people on this earth!! I have the most amazing, family! I feel loved and I love. I laugh…….a lot!!! I love making other people laugh…..like you, my fellow bloggers and readers. But even the happiest of us have a down day…… this is mine. I don’t want sympathy……God no!!! I will be fine tomorrow……I am just wallowing in today that’s all 🙂
I know what I do and I know why I do it…….now how do I control it? But, you know, this band thing and even just dieting is not going to be all plain sailing. We know that. It is helping….. but days like this….well, we have them and then we just have to move on. Don’t let it sink you! I think the trick is to acknowledge it…..anaylise it…..then move on. Don’t wallow in it….don’t let it turn into tomorrow and then the next day. Forgive yourself…..you’ve done it…..try and make it a longer stint between now and the next time. Because there will be a next time! We will all have plenty of next times……the best we can hope is that they are less and less severe each time until we realise that it has been 12 months or more between “next times” and we are actually getting a handle on this shit!
I was going to write down what I have eaten today. Now I am not. Suffice to say…..it was a lot. Also it involved chocolate, cereal with sugar and cream, fish fingers & hash browns…..blah, blah. I feel full and I feel uncomfortable and I feel shithouse now!! But I have put the brake on. I will take my “big guns” pain killers and go to bed early. I will get up early and take the dogs for a long walk in the morning. I will start afresh. Then I will try and plan for my next time and make sure I have some coping strategies in place to deal with the “pain days” rather than the bloody pantry!!
One of my main deciding factors in getting a lapband was my back. I figure if my poor old back is not having to cart an extra 40 kilos around on it everyday….then that has to help!! I needed to help myself help my back by getting this band. So, no more binge days…..I am getting a grip! I will find other coping mechanisms…….. I will be happy again tomorrow 🙂