little something else!!! OK…..so I”ve had my 2nd fill which puts 4.5mls into my 10ml band. I think I am still eating too much!……and sneaking the odd “bad” thing. To be honest….I have never, never thought about food as much as I am now!!! I was hoping this band would just switch off whatever that thought pattern is and off I would go…….never feeling hungry and never tempted by “bad” stuff…….WRONG!!! Now, I know that is not how it works….I do, I do!!! But, I just wanted to share ….. or try to explain…..how I am feeling right now. I guess I am coming out of the “honeymoon” phase and realising that this losing weight caper is still difficult shit to get right!
Don’t get me wrong…..I am deleriously happy with how I have gone so far and how I have lost more weight in two months than I would have in two years previously……BUT……I am still pissed off that I haven’t lost more! Why is that!!?? Can’t I be happy with how I am going….. why do I have to be such an everything or nothing type of person? Why can’t I be an everything or mostly person! I think if I studied other people that have gone for the band I would find we would have a common personality thread ….. the do or die, the all or nothing, the eat or starve type of personality? I think I might be right.
I have had a couple of pains after I have taken the first couple of mouthfuls……but I wait a couple of seconds and it goes……then I continue to eat because I think I should!! Not because I am hungry, I just think I should keep eating because surely I haven’t had enough yet!!?? Why don’t I just stop and be happy with three or four mouthfuls? Why do I keep shovelling it in? Habit, habit, habit is what I think!! I am so used to having a big plate of stuff that my brain says, “Nola, that wouldn’t satisfy a flea! Eat more of it….clean your plate off….go on….eat more….that is not enough to satisfy you!!!” When, physically…….it is!!!! Mentally…..it’s not!!!
I am not particularly a sweets person. The last couple of nights I have been!! What the???? Maybe it is because I feel a bit ordinary with this eye infection and the fact my back has been extra bad lately? I do tend to pick when I feel physically down. Last night I had two of those small Favourites chocolates AND a bowl of icecream with banana topping. Then I got shitty because I wanted the band to stop me!!!!!! Oh hello……pyscho woman!!! I am pretty sure I don’t recall the surgeon telling me the band came with a built in shit dectector!!
I have not PB’d, I have not burped excessively, I have not vomited….. none of those things that would make me stop eating too much. So…..am I eating too much? Well…..probably not!! But I FEEL like I am!!! I feel like I should be eating like a little bird and forgetting to eat and suddenly gaining an obsessive desire to exercise religiously! Well, bummer….that aint gonna happen 🙂 Maybe I am conveniently blocking out how I USED to eat. It is becoming a distant memory really but I know I was eating a lot, lot more than I am now! More junk…..the odd takeaway, chocolate and Samboy chips and buttered buns and savoury toast and toasted foccacias and chai lattes….and that was just at work!!! I just thought of something when I typed that last sentence……….I haven’t had a bowl of cereal with heaps of sugar and warm milk at night since I had my band!!!!!!!!!!!! That was practically a nightly ritual for me. God knows why…… I just HAD to have it…..most nights!
So maybe I am not suffering from bad bandit syndrome. I am suffering from CRAFT…..(can’t remember a farking thing!) I need to remember how far I have come and take a good look at how I have changed instead of looking at what I still want to achieve and why I haven’t managed to do that in 5 minutes!!! You know what??…..I think my band and this band “journey” is a lot like my house!!!
We are renovating an oldish weatherboard place at the moment. I sit down and think….we will never get it finished…look at the passage and we still have to get that skylight in and we still have to get the bath and extend that room….and when are we going to get around to putting the skirting boards back on! When I should be looking at what we have achieved and thinking…….my God the loungeroom looks fantastic with the chocolate feature wall and the decking is magnificent and in only two years we have put in a whole new kitchen and dining room and turned a small bedroom into a walk in robe for the master bedroom…..farking hell, good job….bloody good job!!!!
So, I am going to look at this band as an ongoing renovation on ME!! I need to stop, look back and think……..Nola, old girl…..farking good job!!!!! 🙂