Yes, I’m full, but I would still like a …….

little something else!!! OK…..so I”ve had my 2nd fill which puts 4.5mls into my 10ml band.  I think I am still eating too much!……and sneaking the odd “bad” thing.  To be honest….I have never, never thought about food as much as I am now!!!  I was hoping this band would just switch off whatever that thought pattern is and off I would go…….never feeling hungry and never tempted by “bad” stuff…….WRONG!!!  Now, I know that is not how it works….I do, I do!!!  But, I just wanted to share ….. or try to explain…..how I am feeling right now.  I guess I am coming out of the “honeymoon” phase and realising that this losing weight caper is still difficult shit to get right!

Don’t get me wrong…..I am deleriously happy with how I have gone so far and how I have lost more weight in two months than I would have in two years previously……BUT……I am still pissed off that I haven’t lost more!  Why is that!!??  Can’t I be happy with how I am going….. why do I have to be such an everything or nothing type of person?  Why can’t I be an everything or mostly person!  I think if I studied other people that have gone for the band I would find we would have a common personality thread ….. the do or die, the all or nothing, the eat or starve type of personality?  I think I might be right.

I have had a couple of pains after I have taken the first couple of mouthfuls……but I wait a couple of seconds and it goes……then I continue to eat because I think I should!! Not because I am hungry, I just think I should keep eating because surely I haven’t had enough yet!!??  Why don’t I just stop and be happy with three or four mouthfuls?  Why do I keep shovelling it in? Habit, habit, habit is what I think!!  I am so used to having a big plate of stuff that my brain says, “Nola, that wouldn’t satisfy a flea!  Eat more of it….clean your plate off….go on….eat more….that is not enough to satisfy you!!!”   When, physically…….it is!!!!  Mentally…..it’s not!!!

I am not particularly a sweets person.  The last couple of nights I have been!!  What the????  Maybe it is because I feel a bit ordinary with this eye infection and the fact my back has been extra bad lately?  I do tend to pick when I feel physically down.  Last night I had two of those small Favourites chocolates AND a bowl of icecream with banana topping.  Then I got shitty because I wanted the band to stop me!!!!!!   Oh hello……pyscho woman!!!  I am pretty sure I don’t recall the surgeon telling me the band came with a built in shit dectector!!

I have not PB’d, I have not burped excessively, I have not vomited….. none of those things that would make me stop eating too much.  So…..am I eating too much?  Well…..probably not!!  But I FEEL like I am!!!  I feel like I should be eating like a little bird and forgetting to eat and suddenly gaining an obsessive desire to exercise religiously!  Well, bummer….that aint gonna happen 🙂  Maybe I am conveniently blocking out how I USED to eat.  It is becoming a distant memory really but I know I was eating a lot, lot more than I am now!  More junk…..the odd takeaway, chocolate and Samboy chips and buttered buns and savoury toast and toasted foccacias and chai lattes….and that was just at work!!!  I just thought of something when I typed that last sentence……….I haven’t had a bowl of cereal with heaps of sugar and warm milk at night since I had my band!!!!!!!!!!!!  That was practically a nightly ritual for me.  God knows why…… I just HAD to have it…..most nights! 

So maybe I am not suffering from bad bandit syndrome.  I am suffering from CRAFT…..(can’t remember a farking thing!)  I need to remember how far I have come and take a good look at how I have changed instead of looking at what I still want to achieve and why I haven’t managed to do that in 5 minutes!!!  You know what??…..I think my band and this band “journey” is a lot like my house!!!

We are renovating an oldish weatherboard place at the moment.  I sit down and think….we will never get it finished…look at the passage and we still have to get that skylight in and we still have to get the bath and extend that room….and when are we going to get around to putting the skirting boards back on!  When I should be looking at what we have achieved and thinking…….my God the loungeroom looks fantastic with the chocolate feature wall and the decking is magnificent and in only two years we have put in a whole new kitchen and dining room and turned a small bedroom into a walk in robe for the master bedroom…..farking hell, good job….bloody good job!!!!

So, I am going to look at this band as an ongoing renovation on ME!!  I need to stop, look back and think……..Nola, old girl…..farking good job!!!!! 🙂

xmas06

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11 thoughts on “Yes, I’m full, but I would still like a …….

  1. OH Nola, you make me wet my pants!!! Laughing my arse off right now…or to be modernly correct…LMAORN!

    In built shit detector….I WANT ONE TOO!

    gaining an obsessive desire to exercise religiously…LET ME KNOW WHEN THAT ARRIVES IN THE MAIL.

    I am suffering from CRAFT…..(can’t remember a farking thing!) MUST BE CONTAGEOUS

    You my friend, are precious!!! Worth your weight in gold. People who can make other people laugh just by writing words, should be “queen of the world”.

    Seeya
    Trace

  2. You crack me up!! LOL – I need a build in shit detector!

    Lots of various ways to lose weight and I took the other option of eating less, having healthier options. There is no right or wrong option and you have to do what works for you and what you feel right with. But I don’t understand that much about the band, how the fill works, what your expectations should be, so hard to leave a comment to perk you up. To me it always seemed a sort of magical answer but reading a few blogs lately it still involves a lot of hard work. The band still will never “cure” you of wanting the wrong foods, but believe me after a while eating better it becomes a habit, and there is no way in hell that I could go back to eating how I used to.

    One thing I’ve found in any weight loss journey, no matter which way you do it, you do learn a bloody lot about yourself along the way. I know I have!

  3. You’re doing great but feeling like shit because you have a dirty great sty on your eye. You still have a lot of room to move in your band in terms of tightening. This is a marathon not a sprint – I’ve only just starting to realise this – this is also true for our renovation rescue project. At times I feel I’m going nowhere but I’ve lost 17 kg since mid-July – hello? We’re a farked in the head fat people and it’s gonna take more than a bit of plastic around our stomachs to change that !!! You’re a legend and don’t forget it.

  4. Nola – You are sooooo….. funny!!! I know what you are saying as, I expect, does every fat person in the world… We all want that quick fix, that problem solver so we don’t have to think about it. I have lots of skinny friends and they all seem to not care about food – B*%$£@ds!!!

    Have you heard of – The Herzburg Steps – here they are!

    1 – unconsciously incompetent – this is where you don’t know what you don’t – like getting into a car for the first time and thinking this is gonna be a piece of cake – after all look at all thise idiots on the road!
    2 – consciously incompetent – this is where you realise what you don’t know – like realising you have no idea what all the switches and pedals do.
    3 – consciously competent – this is where you now know, but have to think about your actions – learning to drive the car.
    4 – unconsciously competent – this is where you do it with out thinking – like changing the gears or signalling in the car. Or getting up in the morning and getting dressed!

    You’ve done the ‘I don’t know what I don’t know about the band’ or have preconceived ideas about what the band will do for you.
    You’ve done the ‘I realise what the band is supposed to do’

    You are in stage 3… consciously competent – you know what you what to acheive but are still learning.

    When we first learn to drive the longest part of the journey is stage 3. Think about getting dressed – how many years did it take before we became unconsciously competent? How many driving lessons did you have?

    BUT you will become unconsciously competent with food (which is where all those skinny people are), this is the longest part of our journey to a thinner you/me and we will get there – eventually.

    So keep going you – consciously competent person… LMAORN – to quote Tracey.

    xx

  5. My partner John is forever saying “But you must have something” or “That won’t keep body and soul together”… and maybe I’ve listened because it suits me. Now I’ve got to listen to myself, or at least to the newly banded me, not the anxiety-on-a-plate me. I keep telling myself – “no more excuses”. It’s so reassuring that whatever I go through from now on, you’ve all seen it all before…

    Curious question – why are there different size bands??

    (Have just sneezed. Ow OW O W!!)

  6. Well, now… one can never accuse you of dishonesty, can they? You have, on this trip through lapbanding, been so brutally honest about all you are going through and dealing with that it is amazing to me. Now it seems you are coming to the part where you try to figure out why you feel the need to stuff your face, even when you are full.

    You are a brave woman. Keep up the good work.

    Helen

  7. Nola,

    I love the way you do that!!! start of having a rant and a moan and very negative and turn it around into somthing very positive!

    You are doing a wonderful job with the ongoing renovation! ‘Rome was not built in a day’ it takes time.

    Keep up the good work Nola, a lot of people look up to you (me included) and you are a fantastic role model. No pressure or anything LOL xxxxx

    Hope you feel better soon

    Zenaxx

  8. You are being too hard on yourself but then I understand exactly where you are coming from. where you are and where you are heading. Somedays our brain needs to remember what we have done and what our bodies have been through. Some days you will hardly be able to eat much at all and other days you will feel like you haven’t stopped eating all day….Take one day at a time mate and as you said to me…”you have done such a fantastic job and you should be proud of yourself”. I think occassionally we need to listen to the advice that we give to others and use it for ourselves…we think its good enough for others so why shouldn’t it be good enough for us as well.
    Keep up the good work and always remember how far you have come.
    Margie
    xoxoxoxo

  9. I can sure relate to the all or nothing thing. All or mostly sounds so much better. I find it hard to translate the awareness of this into action. Your renovation analogy is a good one. It’s important to notice the changes you’ve made instead of allowing those still ahead to overwhelm you (or me).

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