Well, I did promise this would be an honest account of this lapband business…..so I had better fess up about today. To refresh your memory, I had my first fill about a fortnight ago. He put 3mls into my 10ml band. How do I feel?……absolutely no different to before I had the lapband to be honest. The first few weeks were great and then I started getting hungry. But my willpower kicked in because I knew my first fill wasn’t far away….so I had the fortitude I guess, to resist all things “bad” and I was a little scared to eat too much anyway, because I wasn’t sure what would happen.
Then I had my first fill and I was still too “scared” to eat too much in case something got stuck or whatever. But over the last couple of days I have been getting hungry and gradually I have been “testing” the limits. Well, I have found that I have no limits really!! Yesterday I ate four steamed dim sims in one sitting…..and I didn’t even eat them all that slowly to be honest. I think, if the band was working properly, ie: the right amount of fill, then I would only be able to manage maybe two dim sims? I have had most vegetables, toast, rice, lettuce and other bits and pieces since the fill. Things I know others have difficulty with on occasion. I know my portions have been a bit on the large side too! Not as much as I would normally eat…but too large just the same. Then, today I got game……..I have those nice, fresh thinnish hamburger rolls on the bench. They are there because I brought them to make up Ricky’s lunch….but I hadn’t got around to putting the rest in the freezer……big mistake!! God, if there is one thing I have craved since being banded it is fresh bread with real butter!!
I have had yesterday, today and tomorrow off work and back on Thursday. Days of “home alone” when Ricky is at work have always been my downfall. All I think about is what I might eat……and that is resurfacing big time!! I try to keep busy….but all the time I think about what I might eat. What’s in the freezer? What’s in the fridge? What’s in the pantry?….farking hell. I am not even going to try and explain why I have these “fits”….I couldn’t. I don’t understand myself. But I know some of you will totally understand where I am coming from!! So, after walking the dogs and settling back into the house I am hungry. I thought about going to the bakery on the way home and getting a sausage roll !! So I make a big bowl of porridge. Now that made me full……but I was still thinking about those rolls. Then about 1pm I got some soup out. A whole can of chicken and corn soup……ate it……still wanted that roll. So, I bloody well had a roll with thick butter…..!! Then this afternoon….I’m thinking I want something sweet….so what did I do??? I bloody well got another roll and smothered it in butter and raspberry jam!!! Now I feel like shit!!!! This is far from an “average” binge day for me…….but it is a return to my bad behaviour and I am not happy with myself!! Oh…….I forgot to mention the tin of favourites chocolates that have been sitting on our coffee table forever it seems, and they haven’t even tweeked my interest….until today…..I had two of them as well 🙂 A white dream chocolate one and a twirl. You, know, I didn’t even savour them or conciously chew them when I think about it…….bad, bad, bad.
Well, it is as obvious as tits on a bull that I need more fill in my band, but I have to wait now until the 16th Dec. Hopefully I will be able to reign in this stupid behaviour and get that willpower kicked back in again until I see Dr Dreamy. I am sure, once I tell him I am struggling that he will fill me up big time!!!! Is it something to do with the magical 100kg mark? Do I have a mental problem I am not aware of……probably!!! This is what I used to do……for years. Lose weight, feel fantastic…..finally start seeing a change in my shape. Everything fits better, feeling good…..yay team…..go me!!!!……then drop the ball because I feel so good and back the weight comes!! Well, thank God for the band because I know I can gain control this time. The good side of all this is I know I wont be sky rocketing back up to my old weight and then some. This band is just going to take some “tweeking” and in the meantime…..I have to back away from the bloody pantry 🙂
But, I just wanted to let you know of the struggle I have had over the last couple of days and the fact I caved in somewhat today. I have also had a very small serve of roast chicken and chips tonight. Not that I couldn’t have eaten more……but lo and behold……the chicken hurt!!!!! I ate three mouthfuls and got the most god awful pain so I stopped eating!! Probably because my “little stomach” was chockers with all the shit I fed it today!! The pain is like when you accidently swallow a gobstopper before you have sucked it small enough. Or suck back a whole cough lolly…..but it goes away. It didn’t last long at all really….but I put my meal up on the bench and fed the chicken to the dogs!
So, for those of you that are considering a band, remember, it is not all beer and skittles!! You will have shit days like this…….days exactly the same as you had before the band. You will still be able to eat shit and feel like shit. I know I will be fine once I have the next fill and then I will be whinging about not being able to eat enough!! But……I’ve said it once and I will say it again…..it’s all about the head people, all about the head!!!!
And while I’m on a roll……………Why is Santa FAT?? Does anybody know why he is depicted as such a big fat fella? How did that come about? FAT = JOLLY??? I don’t think so!!!!! He must have the most horrific chaffing when he does the tropic areas!! Huffing and puffing as he climbs in and out of that bloody sleigh….his joints would be shot to pieces! I can remember when there used to be pictures of him with a pipe!! I notice you don’t see those anymore……but I am still going to blame him for my nicotine addiction 🙂 So, I think it is about time they started to slim his image down a little. Hey, maybe they could go with the LAPBAND IN LAPLAND theme!!! HO, HO, HO !!!!!!