Getting a bit “Thingy”

OK….serious blog……so move along…..nothing to see here !!

 

I have been a bit “emotional” today.  No idea why.  Just heaps of different emotions going through my head.  One of my favourite bloggers who has banding coming up has had a major meltdown about how she will cope with her “emotional” hunger after the operation.  I see her point………..

I have been stuggling with guilt today.  I feel guilty that even with health insurance this operation is still going to cost quite a bit of money.  Already, just going to Hobart and back was over $100 in petrol……then add on the cost of breakfast and lunch for both of us (not to mention the impulse shopping).  Then I booked Rick’s accommodation for the night of my surgery….couldn’t get a room under $125.  Then he will need to buy lunch, dinner, breakfast and lunch again I guess on top of that plus a few coffees etc etc…..another $100 bucks or more for petrol for the operation day travel. $100 down already for the initial appointment with Dr Dreamy.  Just got the anaesthetist appointment letter and that is for the day before….so if I can’t change that to the day of the operation…….then not sure what I will do.  But it will mean another nights accommodation and having to get the day off work.  This letter tells me that appointment will be paid at the time of consultation….$50.  Then they go on the explain the gap…..even with health fund another $400…..and the list goes on.  Then there is the gap to pay for the actual operation…..around the $3000 mark …and later I suppose the surgeons fee, etc etc etc  I will put a running sheet of costs on one of my other pages actually so that anyone considering this surgery can see what all the different bits and pieces add up to.  It might help someone else plan their finances …… hope it helps anyway.

We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination but I guess we are battling along OK.  Thanks to an inheritence from my grandfather last year we were able to buy a new car, put a roof on the house, go for the Fiji holiday (wish I could revisit that one!) pay off a couple of bills and I put $4000 aside into another account especially for this operation.  If I hadn’t got that inheritence, then I doubt very much I would be having lapbanding…. not right now anyway.  We are not that well off that we have a lazy $5000 laying around in the account and I would have had to work hard to build up a savings to have it done.

So, why do I feel guilty…..I really don’t know.  I can’t help thinking that this money would finish off our windows, put the bath in or build the shed Rick has been lusting over…or something like that!  Then I keep having thoughts like…..if I just tried harder, give it one more go, go back to Jenny Craig…..walk more……then I could use this money for something else. It’s all about me……and you know what…….I don’t think I am used to having something this “big” be all about me!!  I get guilty spending money on my hair every 6 weeks, but I think nothing of, and insist upon, Ricky getting a club for his golf or paying his golf fees because my argument is……..golf is your only relaxation from work.  You love your golf, it is your release and time away from home and work.  You get to socialise…You deserve it, you work hard…… you should buy yourself these things.  So, what have I got away from work………well, nothing much really!  I don’t play a sport, I don’t really have any hobbies. All I have done is bloody housework since I went part time….just catching up on stuff like cleaning out the pantry and the wardrobes and things like that…..I intend to do some relaxing soon too though!!

My God, if I added up all I have spent on weightloss products over the years I could have afforded lapbanding 10 times over……no health insurance!!!  But I think the fact that it is all in one hit….seeing all that money get handed over in one go……rather than dwindling it a $100 a time to Jenny Craig, or WW or Herbalife, or Celebrity Slim Shakes, or Modifast, or Lean Cuisines, or crazy chinese medicines, or acupuncture, hypnotists, gyms & pool memberships……you get the picture 🙂

I think I just had a panic attack!!  Like, geeezuzzzz…..this is my last chance.  Yeah, I think that is what it is…and all the appointment letters and hospital bookings and things like that which have all come in the last couple of days have rammed it home to me!  This is it….this has to work.  I am handing over this money……and having bloody surgery!!!!!!

I am glad I started typing this out……. because it has helped me realise that it isn’t about the cost at all.  It is about taking the step into the unknown really…..and knowing it is my last chance to really make a go of this weight loss caper! All the other ways I have tried to lose weight I was able to sneak up on…give it a bit of a go….fail…..go back to being me.  The me I know…..fat me.  This time….there is no going back to the me I know…..I have to get used to knowing a new me.  Bloody hell, I hope I like her!!  I think I will.  And she will look HOT in the new clothes she lusts over in the brochures 🙂

I wrote the above bit yesterday………….now today……….

Can’t change the anaeithetist appointment. So another $140 bucks for another nights accommodation!  Couldn’t get two consecutive nights at the hotel I booked Rick into either…..so had to cancel that and rebook with another hotel.  At least it is within walking distance of the hospital, so we won’t have to worry about parking.  I will also have to miss work on Wednesday and so will Rick.  Oh well, not going to pull out now!!!

Have had time to process this BIG thing I am doing just for ME.  I am starting to settle into the idea. Ricky is marvellous and I actually had a bit of a cry last night…….not much…..just a bit!!! 🙂 I think I just got a bit overwhelmed with everything and the fact it is now less than a week away! Rick informed me it is about time I did something for myself that I really want……and he is right! Mind you…..I wish I was already slim and was having this guilt trip over spending $3000 on a diamond ring or something!!  But, I said I would keep you posted on this journey….warts and all….and if I throw another “wobbly” you will be the first to know about it!!  Wonder if I can find a nightie or some PJ’s with HORNBAG written on them for my hospital stay in my lunch hour tomorrow???

Oh, and seem as I am staying the night before the surgery in Hobart…….you can add another $100 bucks to the tally because I will be going out for dinner somewhere swanky……make that $200!!!  Kind of like being on death row really and planning my last meal 🙂

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23 thoughts on “Getting a bit “Thingy”

  1. Hey Nola.

    I just wanted to say that I think this sort of pre-surgery meltdown, as well second guessing yourself on whether you’re doing the right thing, is absolutely, perfectly normal. It happens to a lot of us.

    It seems though that you rationalised yourself through it and that you’re back to being okay about the decision.

    I guess the only other thing I would say then is if you start to question whether you are doing the right thing and thinking about what you could be spending the money on instead, just remember that without the surgery you might not be here to enjoy the new windows or the holiday or whatever it happens to be. The surgery will help ensure you have a better quality of life, hopefully for a very long time.

    How exciting to be on your way.

    Cat

  2. Thanks Cat….I really appreciate that feedback! And my darling aunty had a stroke last night…..and she is a big woman…..so yeah….too true about the “might not be here to enjoy it” bit. Thanks

  3. What Cat said above about not being here to enjoy it is so true…. enjoy it, relish it you are worth every cent you spend on it. And yes there will be a photo of the new hair do LOL.

  4. Isn’t it good to be able to pour out your feelings on an entry like that! I always feel instantly better as it sort of processes your thoughts. True it is something for you, but it will also be something that will lead you to a healthier life.

    It is scary, unknown – in fact I think you are very brave!

  5. Don’t feel guilty for trying to save your own life Nola. For you to be at this point it is your last resort – I know how much you’ve struggled over the last couple of years I’ve known you and how about all the years before that? Hope your aunt is ok.

  6. Hi Nola, i swear, you are in my head right now! Or I am in yours. We are walking down the same road, wearing the same shoes, thinking the same bloody things…OMG, this is so freaky.

    I too was having a journey of money guilt, then, as you did, recognised it for what it was. Another mechanism inside us trying to put up road blocks for this surgery.

    We love food, and in my opinion, we are subconsciously thinking that we are going to miss it…big time baby, so we are throwing out excuses left right and centre to prevent the surgery.

    I am sure this won’t be the only gutter we trip up, or pothole we fall into…but we all have each other, and if we keep seeing that other people are thinking, feeling, saying the same things as us, we can feel reassured.

    Thanks for blogging,
    Tracey

  7. Nola… perhaps it’s my time to come over there and slap you in the head – knock some sense into you 😛

    YOU ARE TOTALLY WORTH THIS… Cat actually stole my comment (thanks Cat) – you can go soend your money fixing your windows and your bath – but will you be sitting in that bath looking out that window in 15 – 20 years? hmm….

    I am scared shitless too… YOU KNOW I AM! I am constantly ranting and raving and having meltdowns – talking myself out of the surgery – thinking – ‘i can give this another go…’ – i am fucking kidding myself… I’ve spent nearly 20 years trying (and me being only 24… means that I have tried for a fucking long time)

    I know what you mean about the death row meal – i have totally been planning it… at the moment it’s a 28 day aged scotch fillet steak, medium rare – 600gm… will let you know if it changes.

    Loving slaps to you…

    L xoxoxooxoxoxooxxoxxoxoxoxooxx

    (ps… thanks for giving a shit about my meltdowns too!)

  8. Girls….thank you all ! It really does help to “quell the meltdowns” when you know there are others out there thinking and doing the same things! You start thinking….is it just me? I think we just all need to keep slapping each other in the head and keep going! 🙂

  9. Hey Nola,

    I stumbled upon your blog last weekend after going to a lap band seminar when I was looking for more information about how people who were going thru the process felt about it. Today I had my consult with my very own Dr. Dreamy and am moving ahead hoping to have the surgery the first week in November.

    Your blog is great – it’s so nice to hear how someone else going thru the same thing feels. I understand the guilt and the thinking “maybe if I had just given the old fashion way one more try” but just remember YOU deserve this. We should be proud to be doing something for ourselves.

    Thanks again and keep up the great work!

  10. Hi Kate! I have found some great girls on here and some are leading up to their operations. It’s nice to know others feel the same and hear how they are doing/feeling. Have a read of some of the other girls blogs in my blogroll….they are totally inspirational !! Thanks for visiting 🙂

  11. GAWD ! I know what your feeling with everything as I’m going through the same thing, but your right to keep going with the journey as you need to look after number 1 – YOU!

  12. Hey sis,

    saw aunty rita today, not much change, actually she has a chest infection so is feeling pretty miserable, but no change with speech etc.

    it sounds like a nice bunch of people on your site, have you put a picture of me on yet….what !!!! no!!!! come on nola get your act together so everyone can see your hornbag sister as well.

    love you and you will conquer and do many things grasshopper………oooommmm your sister

  13. mate you are worth every cent and more….know it and believe it cos I certainly do.
    Not saying anymore (cos I stuff it up) except I love you and Im so proud of you.
    Margie
    xoxoxo

  14. Hi Nola,
    I’m so proud of you. I really am.
    You are worth it – I know you are!
    Be proud, you’re doing something that you know will work and next time we meet you will be swanning around in a fancy dress!
    For your fancy “last night” go to: http://www.blueskiesdining.com/ Really (really) yum! Close to hospital too!
    Love Kate W

  15. Kate!!!…great to hear from you! I feel sooooo bad….I am a terrible MSN friend:( Margie kept me up on your comings and goings. Hope you have settled back into Sydney town OK. Thanks for the tip on a place to go.

  16. Can’t put it any better than the ladies above did. You are worth it. Thanks for putting your doubts in writing for the other prospective Bandsters.

  17. I’m a little late, since I only just got back from overseas, but I just wanted to jump in and add my support to the list. You more than deserve this! It is totally worth the money. YOU are totally worth the money! This will be the beginning of a brand new life.
    Rach
    xxx

  18. Hmmm it sounds to me like you are just looking for the big “its ok to do this” approval… not from anyone in particular… Just someone to say FFS do it already!!!
    I am just like you… Doesnt matter what it is about… I can always think of other things the money should be spent on but when it comes down to it I do what feels right…
    You are doing the right thing for you and you know it… you just need the backing up support… and you have sure got that!!

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