OK….serious blog……so move along…..nothing to see here !!
I have been a bit “emotional” today. No idea why. Just heaps of different emotions going through my head. One of my favourite bloggers who has banding coming up has had a major meltdown about how she will cope with her “emotional” hunger after the operation. I see her point………..
I have been stuggling with guilt today. I feel guilty that even with health insurance this operation is still going to cost quite a bit of money. Already, just going to Hobart and back was over $100 in petrol……then add on the cost of breakfast and lunch for both of us (not to mention the impulse shopping). Then I booked Rick’s accommodation for the night of my surgery….couldn’t get a room under $125. Then he will need to buy lunch, dinner, breakfast and lunch again I guess on top of that plus a few coffees etc etc…..another $100 bucks or more for petrol for the operation day travel. $100 down already for the initial appointment with Dr Dreamy. Just got the anaesthetist appointment letter and that is for the day before….so if I can’t change that to the day of the operation…….then not sure what I will do. But it will mean another nights accommodation and having to get the day off work. This letter tells me that appointment will be paid at the time of consultation….$50. Then they go on the explain the gap…..even with health fund another $400…..and the list goes on. Then there is the gap to pay for the actual operation…..around the $3000 mark …and later I suppose the surgeons fee, etc etc etc I will put a running sheet of costs on one of my other pages actually so that anyone considering this surgery can see what all the different bits and pieces add up to. It might help someone else plan their finances …… hope it helps anyway.
We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination but I guess we are battling along OK. Thanks to an inheritence from my grandfather last year we were able to buy a new car, put a roof on the house, go for the Fiji holiday (wish I could revisit that one!) pay off a couple of bills and I put $4000 aside into another account especially for this operation. If I hadn’t got that inheritence, then I doubt very much I would be having lapbanding…. not right now anyway. We are not that well off that we have a lazy $5000 laying around in the account and I would have had to work hard to build up a savings to have it done.
So, why do I feel guilty…..I really don’t know. I can’t help thinking that this money would finish off our windows, put the bath in or build the shed Rick has been lusting over…or something like that! Then I keep having thoughts like…..if I just tried harder, give it one more go, go back to Jenny Craig…..walk more……then I could use this money for something else. It’s all about me……and you know what…….I don’t think I am used to having something this “big” be all about me!! I get guilty spending money on my hair every 6 weeks, but I think nothing of, and insist upon, Ricky getting a club for his golf or paying his golf fees because my argument is……..golf is your only relaxation from work. You love your golf, it is your release and time away from home and work. You get to socialise…You deserve it, you work hard…… you should buy yourself these things. So, what have I got away from work………well, nothing much really! I don’t play a sport, I don’t really have any hobbies. All I have done is bloody housework since I went part time….just catching up on stuff like cleaning out the pantry and the wardrobes and things like that…..I intend to do some relaxing soon too though!!
My God, if I added up all I have spent on weightloss products over the years I could have afforded lapbanding 10 times over……no health insurance!!! But I think the fact that it is all in one hit….seeing all that money get handed over in one go……rather than dwindling it a $100 a time to Jenny Craig, or WW or Herbalife, or Celebrity Slim Shakes, or Modifast, or Lean Cuisines, or crazy chinese medicines, or acupuncture, hypnotists, gyms & pool memberships……you get the picture 🙂
I think I just had a panic attack!! Like, geeezuzzzz…..this is my last chance. Yeah, I think that is what it is…and all the appointment letters and hospital bookings and things like that which have all come in the last couple of days have rammed it home to me! This is it….this has to work. I am handing over this money……and having bloody surgery!!!!!!
I am glad I started typing this out……. because it has helped me realise that it isn’t about the cost at all. It is about taking the step into the unknown really…..and knowing it is my last chance to really make a go of this weight loss caper! All the other ways I have tried to lose weight I was able to sneak up on…give it a bit of a go….fail…..go back to being me. The me I know…..fat me. This time….there is no going back to the me I know…..I have to get used to knowing a new me. Bloody hell, I hope I like her!! I think I will. And she will look HOT in the new clothes she lusts over in the brochures 🙂
I wrote the above bit yesterday………….now today……….
Can’t change the anaeithetist appointment. So another $140 bucks for another nights accommodation! Couldn’t get two consecutive nights at the hotel I booked Rick into either…..so had to cancel that and rebook with another hotel. At least it is within walking distance of the hospital, so we won’t have to worry about parking. I will also have to miss work on Wednesday and so will Rick. Oh well, not going to pull out now!!!
Have had time to process this BIG thing I am doing just for ME. I am starting to settle into the idea. Ricky is marvellous and I actually had a bit of a cry last night…….not much…..just a bit!!! 🙂 I think I just got a bit overwhelmed with everything and the fact it is now less than a week away! Rick informed me it is about time I did something for myself that I really want……and he is right! Mind you…..I wish I was already slim and was having this guilt trip over spending $3000 on a diamond ring or something!! But, I said I would keep you posted on this journey….warts and all….and if I throw another “wobbly” you will be the first to know about it!! Wonder if I can find a nightie or some PJ’s with HORNBAG written on them for my hospital stay in my lunch hour tomorrow???
Oh, and seem as I am staying the night before the surgery in Hobart…….you can add another $100 bucks to the tally because I will be going out for dinner somewhere swanky……make that $200!!! Kind of like being on death row really and planning my last meal 🙂