I was just thinking……..

I know…..and it hurt!!!!!

About “fat” stuff that happens that I have got so used to it has become part of life.  Stuff that I can’t wait to be rid of.

Painting my toenails……..I get set up in the loungeroom with my polish and things.  Then I sit on the lounge and pull the coffee table over and rest my foot up on that.  It is a total production!!  I have to come up for air every two toes or so because squashing all my gut between me and my toes stops me being able to breathe!!

Public toilets…….and the toilets at work.  The ones that have the sanitary bins in them.  When I sit down my thighs or arse touches the bin!!  and…..little private home toilets that you have to manouvre yourself into and then hold your breath to get the door shut.  Don’t even get me started on aeroplane toilets…..what a nightmare!!

Sitting in directors chairs or those fold out camp chairs.  It is just 2nd nature to hold the arms of the chair when you stand up so the chair doesn’t come up with you stuck to your bum!!  and….when you look down to the sides of the chair you can see all your arse and thighs hanging out the sides of them.

One size fits all clothing that doesn’t go within a bulls roar of me!!!

Always, always thinking about what other people are thinking of you when you are choosing food at a buffet or ordering takeaway and that sort of thing.  I always think that they think, “no wonder she’s farking fat….look what she is choosing/ordering!”

Always feeling the need to “pull” at my clothing.  Like…..pull my cardigan across my boobs all the time, or pull the middle of my trousers down every now and then because my thighs eat them and ride them up, pulling out wedgies, tugging skirts down…….you get the drift!

Always looking down when I am in town.  I just do.  I avoid catching a glimpse of my reflection in the shop windows like the plague!  I go to town feeling pretty good and think I look smart and then I accidently catch my reflection and I get a real shock.  I feel all modern and good and what I see is a fat middle aged woman…..I want to look like what I feel in my head!!!!

When I sit in an armchair (the big plush ones) and there is absolutely no room either side of me.  I look across to someone else sitting in the same chair and you could fit another person in with them.  I want some space left in my bloody chair,……wahhhh

What carrying this weight around is doing to my back.  It is getting worse and I am pretty sure if I wasn’t carrying an extra lazy 40kgs around with me it would feel a lot better.

Carrying chaffing powder around in my bag in the summer.  God, that is painful when the thighs rub together and you get all red and sore.  I still have some scarring from chaffing…..ouch. 

I would never, never go out in public in shorts.  Not even just to quickly run into the shop for milk.  I want to feel OK in shorts and not worry if anyone sees me.

So, that is just a few things…….there are many, many more…..I will mention some as I go along.  I think some are so entrenched as habits or my “normal” behaviour that I don’t even know I do them! 

I don’t really eat heaps of junk food.  But I do eat too much…….of anything!!  My portions are way too big.  I have fads on wanting sweet or savoury foods.  I think the only food I wouldn’t eat is tripe and any type of offal.  I love all the vegies.  I don’t eat enough fruit. I don’t drink enough water. I could demolish a large pizza on my own….and have done….several times!  I “sneak eat”.  Mainly when I’m bored….I find myself standing at the pantry with the door open just browsing. I pick….and pick…..and pick.  If I am in pain….I eat.  If I am sad….I eat. If I am happy….I eat.

I am starting to get really excited about seeing the surgeon.  Mr Tony Patinotis from Hobart. www.hobartobesitysurgery.com .  I hope I don’t have to wait too long after the initial consultation until the operation. 

The worst thing I can think of about having the surgery??……….I have to take my teeth out!!! lol, lol  I have false top teeth. I am not scared at all.  I have had heaps of laproscopic procedures leading up to hysterectomy, a lump or two out of my boobs, shoulder reconstruction (ouch!!!!), discogram on my back (by farrrrrr the worst and most painful thing I have ever had done!)……so this should be a walk in the park!  Might even splash out and buy a new nightie!!

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7 thoughts on “I was just thinking……..

  1. hey crazy lady, so glad i get to follow this from the beginning. all those fat behaviours i do too and i hate it cause i still remember being slim enough to not do them. when i reverted i knew it was time to move the fat arse. i look slimmer than i am supposedly which doesn’t help, cause then i try to convince myself i am passing as a healthy bod, till i stand next to one or watch one eat and see how much smaller they and their food portions are. then i know i am a fat person and why. at the moment after 8 months of horrific work shit and a year of ongoing stress prior i have decided to look at regular exercise not as a weight loss tool but one to manage my mental health. see if that helps keep me on the straight and narrow. i’ll keep checking in. Go you Gorgeous gal!!!!!

  2. It is so strange reading someone else’s blog and going “oh my God, I know, I know” and I did that to every single one of your points. I am SO sick of it too Nola. I’m so excited for you and I know you’re going to do us and yourself proud. I can’t wait to share this journey with you!

  3. Wow, Nola, so many of your reasons mirror my own. In fact, I think many of us have similar experiences in terms of how we feel about things that other people take for granted.

    Banding is going to be great for you.

    Cat

  4. Hi Nola,

    I had to laugh at your public toilet thing. I spray public toilets down with my trusty alcohol spray and lay toilet paper down on the seat, only to be totally grossed out if my chunky thigh touches the sanitary bin!!!!!

    Our last trip overseas I was up the front of a Pacific Blue flight with the fixed arms. Half of my leg was hanging out into the aisle!!!!

    I am going to go ahead with banding after years of yo-yo dieting. Just have to get my hubby to agree!!!!!

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